Ah, elimination: my favorite part of the show. My other favorite aspect of this show, Drunken Ramblings With Paula Abdul, was also showcased this hour. If I weren't so broken up about the OC ending, I might actually have enjoyed myself.The 24-strong Ragtag Multicultural Misfits Brigade pretended they were the cast of Rent for a few minutes and harassed my ears with "Sowing the Seeds of Love." I'm not a fan of giant group performances. They always seem like first-grade school pageant numbers performed by attention-hungry pseudo-adults, some of whom are wearing stupid hats (I'm looking at you, Phil Stacey). I'm confident that somewhere, on a plateau in a desert, Tears for Fears was "Shout"ing at their TV.
The first row of guys went up, and Paul "Chinaman Who Refused to Wear Shoes on Stage" Kim, the last one in line, got sent home. Then Antonella was the last girl in her line, so I was sure she was out of there, as she well deserved to be. Inexplicably, she will be with us at least until next week. I have to hand it to Seacrest, that was a pretty good fake-out. Even better, though, was when he realized that he needed to send somebody home so they could sing before the break, so he just called up Amy "Boring With a Giant Stupid Ugly Face" Krebs and was like, "Hey, Amy, you're gone." And I was all, "Thank God! She is a hideous mer-beast," and my roommate was like, "She is NOT that ugly!" and I was like, "Are you serious? Take a gander at that mouth. She looks like a catfish." Also she's boring, and with that pairing of characteristics, I'm pretty sure she's incapable of making any worthwhile contributions to society. Oh, ALSO, she was wearing one of those shirts that gathers under the bosom and makes ladies look pregnant. That girl can't do anything right. During Eliminations Part 2, we said good-bye to Nicole "I Claim to Be a Voice Major, But When I Sing I Make Noises Like I'm Being Anally Raped by a Red-Hot Screwdriver" Tranquillo and Rudy "I'm So Boring That Katie Can't Even Think of Anything Insulting to Say About me" Cardenas. Nicole screamed her black-person song from last night (which I believe Randy claimed was "too urban" for her) and Rudy closed the show with his stupid candy-ass dancing and being tall. Good riddance to both of them. Next week it's all "more performances" this and "give Katie a migraine" that. I've asked my grandma to light a candle in church for Sundance to get eliminated, but it's Lent and God's probably pretty busy with other stuff, like fat people who need help giving up cake or whatever. Still, Virgin Mary, if you're listening, please send that sweaty troll back under the bridge whence he came. I'm sick of looking at the bloated, magenta parade float that he calls a face. Amen.