Look at my fucking Canada Goose jacket! Fucking look at it!! Do you know what this jacket means?! It means I'm warm as fuck right now! That's right! I have a long day ahead of me, but I sure as hell won't be as cold as you idiots in your moderately priced winter clothes!! I'm the fucking creative director for the fourth biggest tech blog on the East Coast! Go visit our website! I picked out the color scheme!! Leave a comment in the comment section!! Go on! Do it!!

All my co-workers have Canada Goose jackets too! And iPad 2?s!!

Our office is on the top floor of the building! People on the elevator know that I'm important because of the key card that's attached to my jacket! It has my picture on it! When I get to work, I'm going to look out on at all the shivering people in the streets! Shivering because they can't afford a Canada Goose jacket!!

I need my caffeine fix before work! I fucking love Americanos! I give myself god damn espresso enemas! I love coffee that fucking much!

I'm going to fuck the barista! You heard me! I've been going to that coffee shop for two years and yesterday she said 'nice jacket'! And she was probably talking to me! Because I have a Canada Goose jacket! I'm going to get her a matching one and ask her to be my girlfriend!!

I met Drake once!

I have a metropass! When I ride the subway I make sure my bag has it's own seat! Fuck you, no you can't have it! I don't care how much your baby cries! If you ask me one more time, I'm going to put the hood on my Canada Goose jacket up and pretend I can't hear you!

I never give money to the homeless!

I treat people who can't afford the same quality of goods as me like lepers! Bums are lazy! If they weren't so lazy they would have Canada Goose jackets! Then they wouldn't mind being out in the cold!

I always bump into people on the street because I am looking down at my phone! They all know I am an important man! I will never apologize! Watch where you are going!!

When I get to work, they tell me that my internship has expired! They say they don't want to hire me on full time! They think I have an attitude problem! I break all the computer equipment nearby and then leave the office with my Canada Goose jacket slung over my shoulder!

I start to cry in the street! People are stopping to look at me! They know I am a failure! I look ridiculous crying in my expensive jacket!

I make one last attempt at getting my job back by offering my boss the Canada Goose jacket! He refuses! I offer him fellatio! He still refuses!

I return to my mother's basement! I tell her that I won't be able to pay the rent next month! She tells me sell my jacket! I shriek at her until she leaves the kitchen!

I open the newspaper and look through the classified section! I need a new job if I want to buy the new iPhone!