You've done it. I've done it. We've all done it. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't do it regularly, and hadn't already done it todayand its only 10:51am CST. Yeah, I fell victim to the wake and whack. I'm more of a nocturnal churner, but I guess the holiday spirit got a hold of me, and I got a hold of myself. I'm talking about masturbation, the original man's best friend.
I'm sure I'm not alone (I mean I was when I did it), but in the big picture, I know I'm not the only man to masturbate today. According to a 2008 study 40.1% of males admit to masturbating daily. That's not me anymore. I'm down to four times per week. But, from the age of fourteen to twenty-four, I was a daily subscriber to self-gratification. Sometimes it was a choice, sometimes a necessity. I'd do it to clear my head (no pun intended), to relieve stress, to cure boredom, and to feel that good feelin'. I've masturbated nearly anywhere and everywhere. Wake and whack, Class-turbation, Pew Spew, Work Jerk, City-bus-busting, etc, etc.
I've done it when I was single, and when I was in a relationship. In my early teens, I once did it behind a map while riding in the backseat of the car, WHILE MY PARENTS WERE DRIVING. Bottom line is that I do it, and I'm not ashamed I do.
At least not anymore. In my youth, we were told masturbation was a religious sin, (Though the bible says nothing directly about it), and was attached to old wives tales like cross your eyes and they'll stick that way, or sit too close to the television and you'll go blind. My grandmother once said that if I masturbated, the next time I pet a puppy it would smell it on me, and bite me. Let's just say I didn't pet a lot of pups.
But as an adult, those ideologies have faded away, and the only sin or social taboo I feel after masturbating, is waste. In a world where recycling and replanting has become the norm, I'm amazed not to see more opportunities for reprocessing of the OG seed itself. Here we men are, 40% of us expelling a daily average 3.2ml of the very source of all humanity , and the best we can do is pitch it down the drain or sock it. WEEEAKKK!! A truck will come from miles away to pick up my used cardboard, but I run out to that truck with a ramekin half-full of man jam and I'm going to jail. Obviously there is a disconnect with how we use the by-product of our self connect.
Now I'm not demanding a state funded fleet pick up my nad-spatter each week, but its time to make use of our most innate natural resource, or at least popularize the uses we currently have. Yes, I said currently have'. The biggest problem with semen not going towards conception is that we aren't educated on the uses of it. But if you've made it this far in this article, then that is a problem no more. The following are ways to get the most miles out of your wad. Some may surprise, some may sicken, but the truth, like the act itself, will set you free.
1. SELL YOUR SPANK
Sperm banks are located across America. (Find the nearest at //www.spermbankdirectory.com/ ). But you can't just jerk and jet with a handful of um er cash. Each donor must go through a serious interview process before his sperm is accepted. If selected, a donor is usually under contract to donate a few times per week for a period of months, earning between $50 to $200 bucks a bust. So quit throwing your money down the drain literally.
More Sperm Bank info here.
2. BUILD A BOND
Your libido gave it to you, now you should give it to someone you care about. In a 2002 study, SUNY-Albany psychologist Gordon Gallup found that "depressive symptoms and suicide attempts were higher among women who used condoms regularly compared to those who didn't." Gallup believed that this was because semen contains estrogen and prostaglandins, which have shown to lower levels of depression.
Basically this guy was saying that chicks that spend more time around semen are happier. HECK YEAH!! Now we aren't saying go and drop your drop directly on your gal (some aren't into that, even though it's awesome), but you could easily sneak a dab onto her neck or wrist if she's in a bad mood, or fill a sock she's about to put on to help boost her spirits before a big day!
Gallup Study available here.
3. EAT YOUR BEAT:
Everyone loves a new snack; well you can whip' up one of these recipes in a jiffy. Natural Harvest' is a semen-based cookbook where every recipe requires real man juice. In an audio interview with Dr.Blogstein (www.drblogstein.com), Author/Seme-llier Fotie Fotenhauer warns us, "I wouldn't' eat semen that's been left out at room temperature for more than a couple hours. If you freeze the semen you can keep it for a while." Fotie also recommends doing that instead of keeping it in the fridge where it can only be stored for a few days. Though he doesn't remember when he started eating it, when asked if a lot of people eat semen, Fotie answers, "Yes. Absolutely." SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, or WASTING FOR! Jerk up some guacamole and let's watch the game!
4. GIVE BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD
It only takes few long flights and a jungle hike to reach the Etorothe ethnic people residing along the southern slopes of Mt. Sisa, Papau New Gineau. The Etoro believe a woman who enjoys sex too much is seen as a witch trying to sap the life from men. (I personally think they are onto something). They also believe that young boys must ingest the semen of their elders to achieve adult male status and to properly mature and grow strong. (No Comment). Bottom line: these native people are putting their semen to work, to create a sense of brotherhood and male enlightenment. Kind of like an organic homosexuality. So next time you brew some homemade ranch, see if any of the locals might be up for a game of hide and seek, or some other bonding experience. It's not about YOU, it's about US.
5. WRITE HOME:
Stop wasting your baste and start practicing your penmanship. Did you know that the male penis was once a secret-decoder pencil? During WWI the British Spy Agency M16 used semen to hide messages for its associates and allies . At the time, London scientists determined that ejaculate could not be detected by the iodine vapors commonly used to scan for communication written in invisible inks. Next time you are considering flushing your gush, take your ink' outside and write message in the street to a neighbor you can't stand.