There was a time, not long ago, when everyone had to watch TV when it was on TV. There was no DVR. The Internet wasn't fast enough to stream video. It sucked. Thankfully, 2004 is long gone. We, as a society, no longer have to deal with commercials, or schedule our lives around episodes of Breaking Bad. I'm not complaining, but there is a hidden downside. You can't talk about TV shows the day after they were on anymore.

We loved Lost here at the CollegeHumor office. That show was made for talking about, because it didn't make any sense. Every Wednesday morning after Lost, the same thing happened: someone would ask, "Did you see Lost last night?" Then three people would put their headphones on, two people would complain about spoilers, and the people that watched it would have to go hide in an office to deliberate about what the numbers meant. That wouldn't have happened back in the day. We would have all gathered around the fireplace and regaled each other with our theories while grandpa hammered out a ragtime tune on the piano. Maybe I'm remembering that wrong, but everyone would have seen it. And if they hadn't, they would've shut up about spoilers. They fucked up. They missed the show. They had something better to do at 9pm on a Tuesday (impossible). There was no way to know when the episode would air again, so they moved on with their life.

Nearly every idea that can be had has already been had. There are a lot of humans in the world. We've been here for 250,000 years. That's a lot of thoughts. It used to be that you could have a thought without ever knowing if you were the first. Unfortunately, with the Internet, it's easy to find out that someone beat you to the punch.

That joke you made about the current event? Yeah. 300 people already tweeted similar ones. That crazy new triangular pizza you've been tinkering with? Check the patent database. Corn dogs with french fries baked into them? South Korea is a very advanced civilization.

It's hard to be the first person to do anything anymore. Which brings me to my next point...

Comedian Pete Holmes has already covered this one. Rather than step on his toes, I'll use the Internet for something it's great for: doing my work for me.

There is so much porn on the Internet. So much. Every kind. If you can dream it, you can find it on the Internet and masturbate to it. It's disgusting. And great for when you're single and/or bored. The problem is that enjoying the vast sea of Internet porn makes real-life sex with another human being worse. Think of it this way, the less often you have orgasms, the more exciting they are when they happen. And the Internet makes it so easy to have orgasms. After jerking off to 500 different naked people on your computer in five days, that one willing person on your bed seems kind of meh.

I'm not speculating. There is a real study that says years of J-ing O to Web sluts makes you enjoy sex less. It can even lead to erectile dysfunction. If you don't want your wiener to stop working, you need to stop looking at porn and go have consensual sex with humans. Right now. Go. And use a condom.

 

Like this? Follow Kevin on Twitter and Tumblr. Or don't. See if he cares.