Dear Mr. Jacobi,

We regret to inform you that we cannot accept your submissions for a "Guest Answer Writer" here at Jeopardy. As a matter of fact, we don't even offer that option, and your material is a clear example of why. My colleagues advised against even contacting you, but some of your claims simply must be refuted.

A large amount of your questions were totally unacceptable for the show. For example, Steven Seagal did not actually save the free world. He is, in fact, a movie star, and a sub par one at that. Personally, Bruce Willis brings more depth of character than Mr. Seagal, but that's another issue entirely. While on the subject of Mr. Willis, his appearance in "The Fifth Element" after "Armageddon" proves neither his ability to survive a nuclear explosion on an asteroid nor his ability to travel to the future. We believe you should stop watching movies and start seeking psychiatric therapy.

Your "Medieval European History" component was particularly puzzling. As far as leading scholars and Jeopardy! researchers are aware, there is no evidence that the Jews were responsible for the Bubonic Plague.
We are struggling to imagine how an entire race can conspire to create any virus, much less one capable of such massive casualties. Contrary to your claim, Jewish people were not immune to the sickness, nor could they infect "the Holy Christians" through casting spells.

Some more insinuations that we'd like to quickly dispel as myths are that fanny packs are the leading cause of cancer; that Yao Ming is two Asians on top of one another; that diarrhea is used as currency anywhere, much less Egypt; that cocker spaniels were named after legendary rock singer Joe Cocker; and that homosexuality is mandatory on the Iowa State University football team. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

My maturity prevents me from repeating your Final Jeopardy question, but I can assure you that the notion that Alex Trebek's and Pat Sajak's last sexual encounter was 15 years ago and with each other is not only demeaning to both parties but factually incorrect. Both men are happily married and quite unwilling to "make out for five dollars," as you put in your side notes.

I have alerted our attorneys to your presence. You can expect a cease and desist notice from them shortly.

Wayne Sirkem
Director of Content Research
Jeopardy!, a subsidiary of Merv Griffin Productions, Inc.

Mindy has a new column out, so check it out. She talks about lines guys have said to her on dates recently that made her not want to be on the date anymore. For example:

"My schedule's kinda crazy right now. I'm usually free to hang out like after midnight or maybe later . . ."

Read the rest here. Enjoy these hotlinks.