June is a pretty secular month. NOT! Consider this your all access guide to being Jewish during our nations greatest sixth month: June. Because you can't pronounce June, without "Jew."
June 1-7: Not Much happening here. Memorial day is over not that you have anything to memorialize! You're jewish! Enjoy some frozen yogurt at the end of some of your dinners. Jews like sprinkles, do you? You bet you do! What's your favorite sprinkle? If you are Jewish, you should have responded: Blue. What type of frozen yogurt do you ask? I think Miamonides said it best, "Anything that isn't too cold! It hurts my teeth, why does it have to be so cold!"
June 8-15: The NBA Finals are in full swing! As a Jew, you are rooting for the San Antonio Spurs because Manu Ginobili looks Israeli. You find yourself enjoying green olives a lot more then usual. That's a typical jewish food to begin liking in mid june, so don't worry too much. Oh, and remember, June 14 is your great aunt Esther's birthday so don't forget to call her! Not that you would, you stinky ass Jew!
June 16-23: All my rabbi's in the house say OYYYYYY!!!! HAHahhaha. Only kidding. Its time to buy sandals.
June 24-30: Ah yes, the last week in June. Do something EXTRA Jewy. Can I recommend roller skating? Change your cell phone number so the digits "539" appear in sequential order. That way, when people ask you what your phone number is, you'll say "Jew-8484" or "796-4Jew" or "4JE-W494" Trust me, you'll want to get this finalized before July, or as I like to call it Jew-Lie! Though you'll never know I like to call it that, unless we're corresponding over email, which I, as a Jew, never do.
There you have it! Follow these general pointers and you should be the talk of the secular town this June! Have fun, and remember: GO JEW OR GOY HOME, GOY!
This just in- Dave Chappelle makes his first public appearance since going to South Africa at the CollegeHumor.com / National Lampoon comedy night at the LA Improv on Wed. CollegeHumor's own Scott Richardson has DETAILS HERE! (For up to 5 free tickets to future shows for CH readers, email email@example.com.)