Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Dan Levy's Guide to Summer Lovin'
May 26, 2005
Summertime: The season of internships, ball sweat, and ladies looking for a "summer fling" (note: Most ladies are not into ball sweat but are extremely into internships). Needless to say it is now time to learn from the master on how to find a summer girlfriend. I know what you're thinking:
"But Dan, how would you know how to find a girlfriend? Don't all your relationships end horribly, with you crying into your pillow while eating brie cheese, and listening to old Tony Robbins cassette tapes?"
While that may be true, I have still been very lucky with the ladies during my summer seasons. The greatest thing about the summer is that you can really make stuff up, and by that I mean lie to girls about your occupation or the college you attend, to seem more "interesting" or "smarter than you really are."
For example, one summer while living in
, I met a French girl who was 27. At the time I was 20 and interning at the Daily Show with John Stewart. Since this girl was "not from America" it was very easy to convince her that I was 27 and John Stewart. But even though I lucked out with a foreign chick, it was still a lie that led to a hand job.
However, it is very easy to lie to Americans too. If you are in college and you are interning, definitely tell any girl you meet that you work at the place where you intern. But please don't go crazy and lie too much. That will totally blow your cover.
For instance, if you're interning at a law firm, don't say you're a "lawyer" say:
"I just work for the firm. Things are going great. We've got a lot of cases. Let me take your number in my
! Or write it on my
and then put in my
After a few lines like this you will have the 18-year old high school senior in the palm of your hand.
Another great way to have a summer fling is to wear shorts, sandals, and tank tops everyday, and everywhere you go. With this attire you can say you're "the retired guy."
Ladies will be very impressed. Just say you started www.FHSIFHSDHEWF.com.
(Note: This is a real website that I founded and later sold for 13 million dollars.)
(Note: That was a lie.
The only problem with this lie, is that you now have to be prepared to spend up to 45 thousand dollars for the summer. It really just depends on how many blowjobs you want or how gay you are not.
Finally, if you are working at a camp, or anywhere in your hometown here is how you lie to the local ladies: The way to score with the hometown girls is say "I'm shipping out." Tell them that after watching
everyday for the past 2 weeks you decided to be a Navy
(note: Must shave head)
Summer girls totally dig guys who are going to be Navy
s. To make it move even faster, meet a girl at the local bar and say "I've been in love with you since middle school. I'm shipping out tomorrow and (get on one knee) will you marry me?"
If she says yes, marry her
, get her naked, do "your thing", and then 2 weeks later take a bus to a nearby beach. Stay there for the summer and every 2 weeks send her a bottle of "Iraqi sand". If she declines the "marriage proposal", tell her she's not a real American and run out of the bar really fast. Once out of the bar start singing in a capella Evan and Jaron's 2001 single "Crazy For This Girl."
I think with this information you will be ready for your summer loving. Have fun, be safe, lie well, and please use the following check list if you are not sure exactly what lie you will be executing before leaving the house every night.
1) Reversible suit jacket
2) Cell phone (use as office number)
3) Fake mustache
4) Bag of cash
5) Evan and Jaron song lyrics.
Dan Levy is a stand-up comedian and host of the new
Show . You can check out his website at
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