The Only True Horoscopes Youll Ever Read for Whatever Day it is Youre Reading This - Image 1
Aries: The dumbass elements outweigh the ironic elements, so that mullet is going to have to go.

Taurus: Be honest with yourself. Your favorite coat isn't shrinking.

Gemini: The reason you have no friends is because you say things like "The Tree of Life is the greatest piece of art since the release of Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian."

Cancer: You'll quote an entire Emily Dickinson poem from memory and then spend the rest of the day hate-eating a whole large pizza.

Leo: We can't believe we have to tell you this, but your political science degree does not make you a scientist.

Virgo: You're an adult now. If you want to belt out "Like a Virgin" with Madonna at the Super Bowl halftime show, that's your business.

Libra: It's really amazing how many grandmas you have, let alone that they all died in one semester

Scorpio: We know you and your significant other really enjoy Mexican food, but c'mon… don't ruin your first night together!

Sagittarius: Your love of bondage is never a great conversation starter.

Capricorn: The police will help you learn the difference between "Yes" and "Hell No"

Aquarius: We know you're an atheist but we still fail to see the humor in praying to God that all the Religious Right get killed.

Pisces: We agree that sex is a great way to lose that vodka weight, but it isn't the only way.