Do your friends respect you too much? Is it your turn to "take one for the team?" Do you know what "slumpbuster" means? Then, my friend, you're going to have to fuck a fat chick. Be careful, though; the road is filled with danger and pizza. You're going to need a game plan, so trust a seasoned pro. I mean, uh, I had a friend write this. Because I would NEVER" uh" here you go.
STEP 1: Mental Preparation- The first, most important step is realizing what you're about to do: Engage in dirty, dirty sex with an unattractive chick of at best mild acquaintance (NO friends; they know where to find you). It's not going to be pretty, and chances are pretty good that you will not, ahem, finish. So why would you ever put yourself through such torture?
STEP 2: Be Pretty- I know, I know, why do they deserve to get a guy who put in the 10 minutes to put on slacks and a collared shirt? They don't. That's the whole point. You're a bonus! You've got to sweep her off her feet, or at least get a severe hernia trying. Just do your hair or something. Whatever. Don't worry too much about the clothes, but slobbing it only brings the night to an early (more merciful, yes) end.
STEP 3: On the Hunt- You're at the bar; now go get her. Don't get the one who's so fat her face looks pinched and she's all Chinese in the eyes; they're too angry to be slutty. Get the one who's in the clothes that are about 4 sizes too tight and who has an okay face, so after 6 beers you'll start telling yourself things like, "If she just lost like 80 pounds, she'd be hot." Let your wingmen have the ladies""you're having pork for dinner tonight.
STEP 4: Say the Right Things- Remember: Hollywood chicks are too skinny; real chicks have curves; and whatever she's planning to do in life is really cool. But be smooth about it. Even fat chicks can smell wuss from a mile away, and the only thing worse than nailing a fattie is getting turned down by one. You should be drunk by now. Drink faster.
STEP 5: Closing Time- Go somewhere to eat after the bar. Trust me, do it. Drunk fat chicks love food more than white people love CSI. Then, decide where you're going next. If it's her apartment, you're set. Your apartment ought to be fine, but it makes Step 7 harder. Her dorm room? No sex, unless her roommates aren't coming back. Avoid your dorm room at all costs, or prepare to be shamed. Mercilessly
STEP 6: Seal the Deal- Good luck, shooter. You may get the screwing of a lifetime. Right. And the Insane Clown Posse may go triple platinum. Let's be realistic. It's like wrestling a hairless Saint Bernard, right down to the slobber flying everywhere. If you don't want a crushed hip, don't let her be on top. And for fuck's sakes, WRAP UP. The last thing you'll ever want to do is get the herp from scraping the bottom of the barrel. That's just tragic.
STEP 7: Run, She Won't Catch You- If you're at her place, leave ASAP. You, uh, had to be somewhere. However, if you're at your place, you're going to have to cuddle until she leaves; there's nothing worse than an angry lowland gorilla with free reign in your dorm/living room. She may eat your X-Box. As soon as she leaves on her own accord, begin avoiding her. If she doesn't have your number, no problems. If she does, you deserve it. You deserve the desperation hurtling your way like a big, sweaty meteorite with bad highlights. If you share a class with her, drop it. Holding hands in public with your conquest is like showing up to a job interview with shit all over your face.
And there you have it. You've just scarred yourself for life, and you've given girls another reason to "hate boys." But past that, you've technically gotten laid, you've expanded your worldview, and you'll most assuredly never, ever take a hot chick for granted again.
Editor's note: When Adam submitted this article to us, he sent attached to an e-mail with the subject "Hope You Like Hatemail!" Anyway, have a great end-of-the-school year, murder your finals, and enjoy these hotlinks