Every so often a product comes along that is so stupid it makes me want to run to the top of my building and scream "Don't see Boogeyman, it doesn't make any sense." I'm not talking about useless stupid like Pet Rocks, mini-disks, or condoms; I'm talking about "the world is a better place without this stuff" stupid. Crack-cocaine- Vietnam-war- celebrities-flying-airplanes- stupid. Currently such a product is exploding in the world of fashion with more momentum than my girlfriend when I pushed her down the stairs after she told me she was pregnant. I'm talking about the button fly.
Like mathematics, the resurgence of the button fly baffles and stupefies me. Since the invention of the zipper in 1893 (thanks Google), it has been the primary fly fastening device, and it's worked fine, until some dumb-ass executives at American Eagle decided to bring back the button fly. Why in the name of having to take 5 minutes to pee would someone bring back something so completely worthless? I haven't seen anything like it since Cher's last CD. As if using a public restroom wasn't uncomfortable enough, we now have to spend extra time unbuttoning, then buttoning back up our goddamn fly every time we wear a pair of khakis, all while some dude next to us probably thinks we're checking out his package, and either wants to kick our ass (bad) or buy us dinner and take us to see Boogeyman (worse, not because I'm homophobic, I just really didn't like Boogeyman. I'm also homophobic though). Thanks American Eagle, you bastards.
What a great approach to business, taking something that works fine and making it worse. I could do that, a girl could probably even do that (I'm also sexist" and flat footed).
"Mr. Toyota, I have a great idea for your new car" a bike."
"Hey NASA, instead of space-suits, have your astronauts wear Old Navy performance fleece. While they offer no protection whatsoever from the unforgiving conditions of outer space they do come in lots of colors."
"Mr. Gates, rather than make a computer with more memory, why not make one with less memory and charge more for it. Tell people its vintage, like stonewashed jeans. They're idiots."
The front that American Eagle uses to sell these abominations is that they're vintage. Apparently something is vintage when it's complete crap but people still like it, like Good Charlotte or the Olive Garden. For whatever reason, people just love stuff that's vintage. My mom keeps a rug in the living room that belonged to an aunt of hers that makes everyone in the house sneeze and have red eyes and she does this because it's "vintage." Hey mom, why did we put grandpa in a home, he was really vintage. He can't eat solid food; he's almost as vintage as those shirts with the little alligator on them.
Anyway, the deteriorating condition of urination convenience has an ominous feel, like it underscores a larger trend of regression. We've brought back Cher, Star Wars movies, and war in Iraq, and outside of that one scene in Star Wars: The Phantom Character Development where Yoda fights that other guy with a light saber and flips around, all of these things sucked. What could possibly be next, dinosaurs, polio" the button fly?