Now I'm not one to be PC, the term alone is enough to make me want to beat a Muslim with a fetus. However, I feel I have matured enough to finally take a firm stand on the middle school definition of something that is sucky or
Gay. To be fair, a gay man can be very sucky usually to another gay man or group of gay men. But the term gay as a synonym for shitty, crappy, bad, or stupid has officially run its course. Like the O.C., it's O.ver.
First off, it's phenomenally rude. Do you think it would really fly with my brothers and sisters of color out there if someone asked you, "Hey did you catch that new John Stamos show Jake in Progress?"and you responded, "Nah, that shit looks totally African American." You'd be black soon too, friend. Black and blue. And how would all my sexy yellow Asian pals out there feel if someone asked you, "Hey did you ever read the Da Vinci Code?" and you responded, "Dude, reading is so Oriental." Not only would they tell you that Oriental is a type of rug or cuisine and not a person, but they would also hit you in the face with a stick of bamboo. Bamboo + BAM! = boo boo.
Secondly, have you honestly ever met a gay guy who wasn't cooler than just about everyone you know? They dress better than us. They do cooler drugs than us. Their drinks are stronger and more colorful. Their witty comments are far more hilarious than ours, and their zingers zing like the tangy taste of frikkin' Miracle Whip. You and I both know that gay dudes are always surrounded by gorgeous women who fawn over their every move and would gladly let them touch their tits.
I've seen like 53 gay guys just grab a chick's tits and the chick will laugh and laugh or make like she loves it and it's the hottest thing ever. When I grab a chick's tits I either have a lawsuit on my hands or far worse, a serious relationship!
How is it that the word gay became associated with something that wasn't cool? It's not like on Queer Eye the Fab Five come in and make your apartment look like the Jersey Turnpike. You know, really awful. They make it look great, awesome, dare I say fabulous! They buy you cool clothes, they save your hair from looking like it's the '90s, they make you hipper than you really are. Yet how do you reward Carson, Tom, Jai, et al? By saying that the hockey strike is so gay as is the whole damn sport as well as the entire nation of Canada.
Yes professional hockey sucks dick, but it is certainly not gay, sir! Granted there are grown men on ice skates, a lot of stick handling, and once those teeth are knocked out nothin' beats a gummy blowjob. But dammit, hockey is not gay.
I propose a new and improved term for things that honk. The next time one of your chums asks, "Hey are you going to go see Miss Congeniality 2 next weekend?" Why don't you try out my new patented buzzword for the blowworthy. "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous? Are you out of your mind? That shit looks completely CHRISTIAN." Let's face it. There is nothing less cool than Christianity. Try watching a little Trinity Broadcast Network for a while. Stick around for their hip-hop or skateboarding shows. Go check out Mel Gibson's The Passion Recut. Or better yet, chillax with the gang down at your local campus ministries program. Trust me, after 3 minutes of free pizza, bible reading, and the old hymn sing you'll say to yourself, "Jesus Christ these people are fucking Christian!"