Hi. I'm Amir and I thought of that clever title. What did you do last week? If you responded with ANYTHING then you had a better week than me. I spent last week, from Thursday to Thursday, in a hospital room getting sicker, getting surgery, and getting better. Without boring you with the details of my ailment, I had to get a pocket of puss in my neck drained because one of my lymph nodes was infected and swollen to the size of a grapefruit.
But that's not what this article is about. According to Zagat's restaurant guide, 80% of college students will experience at least one overnight stay in a hospital, and half of you will experience at least a seven day stay like me. Just so you don't enter the hospital completely dumbfounded like I did, here's a run down of the pros and cons of living in a hospital room for a week.
PRO: You get to pee in a thermos.
CON: Walking hurts so much, that they make you pee in a fucking thermos.
PRO: Breakfast in Bed
CON: Everything in bed. You spend so much time in bed that your muscles begin to atrophy. Suddenly, sitting up seems to be more of a chore than running a marathon Which is why Kenyans are so good at sitting up in hospitals.
PRO: Ever had morphine? It's fantastic.
CON: Ever been in so much pain that the doctor was forced to prescribe morphine? Its fan-drastic.
PRO: Hospital Gowns are like comfy jammies!
CON: Beneath those jammies lie an empty vessel of a body; your body. Pounds begin to shed as relatives can barely stand to look at you. Suddenly you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror. Your own skin seems to be dangling off your bones and the pain is not getting any better. You're skin hasn't touched the sun's healthy rays in what seems like years. There's no way out. You stare at the clock but the minute hand seems to be moving backwards. Minutes melt into hours and hours melt into days and each one seems like a month. Your suffering is measured only by the cold calloused nurses who couldn't give a shit about you. To them you're only a prescription, just a name tag at the end of a hospital bed.
PRO: Free Ice Cream!
CON: Daily blood tests. If you're there for more than five days, there aren't enough veins in your arm to support such a habit. Ever given blood from your neck? Me neither. But is that a possibility? Probably not.
PRO: Free Popsicles!!!
CON: Some nurses are more incompetent than the janitors. At least, I THINK that was a nurse" But why did he mop my I.V.!? WHY DID HE MOP MY I.V?!?!
CON: WHY WONT YOU JUST LET ME LEAVE!??
CON: THE SWELLING ISNT GOING TO GO DOWN ANY FASTER!!! JUST LET ME GO HOME!!! I WANNA BE AT HOME!!!!
CON!!! I HONESTLY CANT DO THIS ANY MORE!!!
1. You MUST see this video. Must.
2. So here's some news. If you don't mind us bugging you more, sign up here to receive daily CollegeHumor words of wisdom, jokes, and raunchy advice on your mobile phone. The cost is 99 cents a week (billed automatically to your phone bill) and it's a lot less annoying than that fucking "Drop it Like it's Hot" ringtone you paid $3.95 for.
3. Neel has his OC Recap column out today.
Have a bitchin' weekend, folks.