Having grown up with twin older brothers I have the tendency to act like a guy; cold pizza is the only weekend breakfast, nothing feels better than a burp after a nice meal, and farts are still the ultimate form of comedy. That being said, I have a lot of male friends. These are the friendships that really matter, the friendships I cherish over all others. Nothing says devotion like a guy sticking his ass in your face, or telling you he's going to masturbate when he gets off the phone with you

My boys are my life and I don't know how I would ever survive without the constant banter, wedgies or rancid-smelling bathrooms.

These… special… relationships with men are not typical for me, or any girl. To be able to attain that brother/sister relationship with someone is a very big step and one that should not be ignored. Usually guys and girls get stuck in that in-between-point where someone has feelings for the other person and every little thing gets analyzed

"He just asked me to study with him later, and we all know what he means by studying!"

Trust me when I tell you that this is an awful situation to be in. Being every guy's best friend, I have been there a hundred times: the guy is constantly calling and asking for plans, taking me to dinner, coming over late at night. After months of tickling and drunk dials it comes time to have "the talk" – you know, the what-is-going-on-here chat. And it's always the same. I will nonchalantly bring up our current dysfunctional relationship and Mr. Male will sit back in his 1976 flowery couch and think for a minute. What he is thinking about no one knows for sure, but I get the feeling it has nothing to do with me and more to do with that awful itch he has between his legs that he just can't reach without being completely obvious. After an uncomfortable silence he will speak up, giving me the same bullshit that every male has given before him:

"I just got out of something serious, but I love having you as a friend."

Lovely. But, I'm not angry. Nope. Not angry because I like farts and cold pizza, i.e. I know men.

Maybe he doesn't want a relationship, but guys underestimate just how important emotional interaction is to them. So, while he goes out to the dorms/bars to play the field like David Beckham, and picks up those skanky one-night girls (which I have also been on numerous occasions" hey, a girl has needs!) he thinks he is da man. But, deep down he is not fulfilled.

Enter the Emotional Booty Call (or the EBC as regulars like to call it).

Definition: girl you call late at night when you want to talk/cuddle/get a Collider, but put no pressure on to strip down and pleasure you orally.

Directions for use: Go out and hook up with numerous women, but come home and call this girl, send her the wrong signals and have awkward "I don't like you like that" conversation sometime down the road. Repeat as necessary.

The EBC is actually a brilliant idea on any guy's part; every guy's dream, ranking just below "threesome" and "free blow jobs with every quesadilla at Pancheros". There is no commitment and no pressure. I just wish I had thought of it sooner. Nothing better than a nice romp in the sack with an anonymous fellow, followed by Fried Green Tomatoes with your spooning buddy.

Just beware. We are onto your games. Pretend all you want, but I know that a little T and A isn't enough for you boys. Mark my words: I am an EBC no longer. Call me when you realize what you really desire. Until then I'll be next door getting Dutch Ovened by my boys.

This update has been brought to you by this fucking hilarious shirt. Aaron has a new issue of Ruminations out, so rock that. But for now- hotlinks.