I am recently back in the single crowd trying to date and meet new people after my long term girlfriend and I had to break up. We didn't have to, but when you find out she's banging an English guy from the BBC while you're doing comedy in some shit hole in America" you realize that it may be a good idea to smash her laptop against a wall and break up with her.

Needless to say I've been going out and trying to meet girls and I'm honestly not that into it. It's not that I'm thinking about going gay like Ricky and Josh, but I don't like the "dating scene." Maybe I'm not a "real guy" and spending "all my money" on "annoying girls" and "talking to them about nothing I care about" is really fucking cool. But I doubt it. The only reason I'm even doing this is to have sex . So really what I'm looking for is just a slut. I'm out on a mission, but if I succeed it will only be with a whore. I'm not going your ever meet a cool girl at a bar. "Mom this is my wife. We met at Jimmy's Bar and Grill. She was drunk and I was lonely. After she blew me in an open stall I knew we were soul mates."

So unless you are really into annoying girls; I say throw on a wig, take a bong hit, and jerk off. It will feel kind of weird but if you look in the mirror really fast while you're doing it, you will think you're giving a hand job to a female version of you who also happens to have a cock (huge one).

NOTE: Do not use a silly clown wig. It may bring back to many secrets.

I know what you're thinking "Dan that's weird! Dating isn't that bad!" However dating is bad and masturbating with a wig is the best alternative.

I came to this dating conclusion when I went out with a girl and after several drinks and a chicken skew, I started convincing myself that bald chicks are probably good in bed. So cut to: my apartment and she's all over me. Which is fine but she was on top of me moaning and I wasn't even doing anything. I was just thinking about how awesome Russell Crowe would be as a cartoon, and then she says the infamous words "I never do this" " and I'm like "I think you do this ALL THE TIME! Please get your bald whore-ness out of my bed". I mean she couldn't have been sluttier if I bought her on the street for 17 dollars and 46 cents. I was totally turned off by her aggressive behavior. And this has turned me off from the ENTIRE dating scene.

So as of now, if you are coming over to my place to hang out please do not freak out if I'm wearing a wig, just cover your eyes.

Eric has a new column out so that, as well as these hotlinks…