Like diarrhea or redheads, a job is something that you will just have to deal with. Most likely you do not have one now or, if you do, it mostly consists of reading this site while you're there. So, when Mom and Dad cut that precious lifeline at graduation, what will you do? Well, you've come to the right place. A job consists of three phases: the interview, the first day, and the rest of your boring life. Of course, there is more to life than a job; there is also death and burial. But hey, who wants to talk about that?
The Interview: There three things a potential employer learns about you by conducting an interview: What you look like, what you smell like and if you have an "undesirable" accent like Eastern European, German or New Jersey. Why so little information, you ask? Because not one person in the history of employment had been honest about themselves. "John, tell me your three proudest achievements?" "Well, let's see. I once peed in a garbage can at a bar, I used to eat live goldfish for fun and I've never once used a washcloth." No, that just doesn't work. Instead, feel free to embellish a little here and there. Instead of telling your future boss that you are frightened of men with dark skin, tell him you are a "people person" who can "get along with anyone." Instead of telling him you have trouble tying your shoes and chewing gum at the same time, tell him you're a "multi-tasker" comfortable with handling "anything you can throw at me." This way, your future boss will get the impression that you are actually qualified for the job instead of seeing you for the incompetent, lazy, fart-lighting loser you are.Some really great interview lines: "Jail time" God no. I've never even seen a police officer in my life" why would you ask that?""Like my father, who died last year leaving my family penniless, always said, "There's no "'I' in "'Team.' Excuse me" I need a moment.""What? No, I had these pens when I came in here" so what if they're the same kind you have out in reception; have you ever heard of a coincidence?""If you don't give me this job I'll tell everyone that you showed me your penis" Oh, I'm sorry Ma'am, I had no idea. I'm going to go now."
Your First Day: Once you've lied to your boss sufficiently for him or her (hahaha, yeah right) to offer you a job, it's time to meet your new co-workers. Making a first impression is like getting caught cheating on your girlfriend; you can only do it once. On that first day, remember that all your co-workers probably hate their lives. Therefore, you must never act excited about your new job and instead immediately resort to bitching about it. "Jesus," you will say, "has (boss' name) ever heard of air-conditioning?" "Wow, a half hour for lunch; I bet I can almost eat a Cheez-it!" This identifies you as one of them; a bitter, lonely soldier in the corporate proletariat hell-bent on whining as loud as you can. To solidify your reputation as a "solid guy" or a "cool girl" develop spot on impressions of the company's least popular employees (boss, receptionist, creepy mailroom guy, etc.) Come next Monday not only will you be well-liked, you'll be the office joker; a cherished title. "Hey Randy, come over here and show Crystal your impression of Hanson" seriously, Crystal, it's so funny." You're set.Eternity: At some point that job you took only to pay off your balance at Peking Buffet will become a career. You'll wake up one day and you'll have three screaming kids, a portly spouse and a back problem" definitely a back problem. You'll say things like, "God, the years just flew by, didn't they?" and "Man, if only I could do it all again" gimme another beer, will ya, Bill." If you need any further examples of what this stage will be like, look at your Dad sitting in his favorite chair bitching about some "jackass in shipping who couldn't tell his ass from his elbow." That will be you before you know it. What a cruel, horrible world we live in.Eric has a new column out so rock that. And also rock our ad-free version, CollegeHumorRaw if you don't like ads and do like more boobs. Have a great weekend!