Everyone is doing it! No, I'm not talking about the newest hot drug on street; I'm talking about the infamous drunk dial. However, I am here today to tell you how you can now drunk dial and wake up without a hang over.
I know what you're thinking? "But Dan how can we do that? I'm drunk when I dial. How do I not get a hang over? Should I drink more water and put a finger in my ass?" No! But you should put a finger in your ass for good luck.
The answer my friends is the THE FAKE DRUNK DIAL. Basically all you do is pretend you are drunk when calling a girl. This way you have a reason to act like an asshole. However you will be in total control, so you can't completely embarrass yourself. When FAKE DRUNK DIALING you should do as follows:
1) Slur your words and act extremely happy. (Motivation: Steve Harvey with down syndrome.)
2) Scream things like "Whoo" and "I'm so drunk" and "Wanna come over now?"
3) Hang up on her while she's talking.
If she seems freaked out or scared, which she probably will be, then you may want to try to make her feel better or act less drunk. (NOTE: Do not smoke pot and then pretend to be drunk.) If this is the case then comfort her by saying the following:
1) Sorry I'm calling so late, I went out drinking with my grandmother she turned 98 today" we talked about you.
2) I feel like I can tell you this because I'm a little tipsy. I get butterflies in my tummy when I see you smile. It makes me feel yummy!
3) I think we have something. Can you come over so I can tell you a secret?
If you have done the FAKE DRUNK DIAL correctly then the girl should be en route to your dorm room, apartment, or motel on the side of a dirty highway. At this point there is only one last step: look as drunk as you sounded. If you do not follow through with this step, you will have completely cock blocked yourself and you're an asshole. Here is a list of things to do to look drunk:
1) Pee in your pants.
2) Shit in your parents.
3) Punch yourself in the face.
When the door bell rings stumble quickly, open the door, and as fast as you can say, "I love you." The girl will find this cute and may want to cuddle with you because you have now become her drunken teddy bear. But always remember, teddy bears get hand jobs too. Some people may say that this is a way of lying to a girl. But I say this is a way to stay sober. Keep it real!
Dan Levy is the host of MTV's "Your Face or Mine," a featured performer on "The Andy Dick Show" and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." He also currently has a raging boner.
Steve has a new column out, so read that.
Big shout-out to CH fans in Iraq who snuck their Big Shockers on the air during the FOX Super Bowl pre-game show. Video here.