Despite a national mandate for increased global warming in the November general election, winter's icy grip is once again upon us.
As seasons go, winter is easily the most dangerous. In fact, back in high school, Winter used to sharpen shives on the floor of the cafeteria and force spring into all manners of unspeakable indignities.
But there's more to this column than nonsensical homoerotic innuendo. Not much more, but more. We may not be playing the Oregon Trail, but you'll still need some help surviving. Follow these tips and you'll shoot 482 pounds of winter wonderland, although you'll only be able to carry 100 pounds back to the wagon.
- Heat comes from fire In the event of a loss of heat, remember that the following items burn extremely well: bridges (figurative only), the three remaining scraps of Ashlee Simpson's integrity, and draft cards. This last one will be much less funny in about two months, but keep wearing that "Support Our Troops" shirt as an ironic statement.
- Curl up with a good book For the record The DaVinci Code is neither "good" nor even really a "book." However, this should not diminish our admiration for Dan Brown, who managed to pen a bestseller using only words found on the front page of an old copy of USA Today. It's what America read on April 3, 1997!
- Avoid hockey This one shouldn't be hard, since the NHL lockout has shown that most Americans feel the same way about hockey as they do conservative Christianity: they want for it to exist as long as they never, ever have to encounter it. On a similar note, if you are a New England plutocrat, remember that skiing and football go together about as well as bloodthirsty Socialist revolutionaries and rich white kids. Oh, wait, no, your Che Guevara poster is really cool.
- Buy an ax This one isn't all that season-specific. You're going to need firewood, and despite the best efforts of our conservative Congressmen, trees haven't started cutting themselves down. Yet. Plus, you'll feel like a big man when you hold it, Mr. Never-Been-Hugged.
- Fend off the blues This directive is even more imperative this year as the link between any pharmaceutical you've ever ingested and crippling depression becomes clearer. Laughter is a great salve for these frowny-faced days. Make cleverly intellectual cracks such as "More like Ugg-LY boots!" or "More like Kan'tdinsky!" People enjoy puns like these because they sound like words, but aren't.
- Find alternative means of transportation Driving in snow or ice is scary and difficult, so it's obviously not worth your time. View the winter as one long, bleak opportunity to meet your fellow citizens. Sure, some will have crazy theories about the existence of "government wiretaps" or "a watchable Jennifer Lopez movie," but their interesting odors and poorly-matched clothing will remind you that the homeless exist much better than any preachy Phil Collins song.