JVforLive8 writes:

"Please give us the ultimate guide for talking to a girl in a club. That'd be a hella funny column."

Darling JV, (Let us never use the word hella again. That'd be wicked lame.)

Since the dawn of time, men have struggled to find an effective pick up line, and believe me, I've heard them all:

"Hey, I like your moves!" Really Zack Morris? Let's get a grape soda down at The Maxx! This line only works in an 80's sitcom where people settle their differences with a beanbag toss or break dance competition. And unless you're Captain E.O., I'll have none of it.

"Can I give you a jingle sometime?" (Accompanied by the pinky & thumb phone gesture, wiggled next to the ear). Fine Santa Claus, you do that. But you'll never stuff a stocking in this town again.

"Hey, you're kinda cute!" Kinda, eh? Well lucky me. That's like, "You're sort of not disgusting to look at." You must be a real ladykiller when you're not updating your Napoleon Dynamite blog. And besides, I already know I'm "kinda cute". It's like going up to Kevin Federline and saying, "Hey, know what? You've got BITCH stamped on your forehead!" Trust me, he knows.

"I'll get you anything you need, boo. Fo' real." I was tempted to call his bluff and say I needed a kidney, but the music was too loud. Even worse, a white guy said it to me. A white guy from Connecticut. For a minute, I thought I was trapped in the all-honky sequel to "You Got Served" (tentatively titled: "I Have Now Brought It To You Twice").

As a general rule, don't imitate anything you see in a music video: no Justin Timberlaky body rolls, no Chingy-esque lip licking, and certainly no William Hung-ish pelvic thrusts. Well" okay, maybe just a few.

The bottom line is, if a girl is attracted to you, you can say pretty much anything:

"So, do you go to Devry or ITT Tech?"

"Were you in Rite Aid last night buying Herpacin? I was the guy with the Anusol ointment!"

"You kinda look like my sister. That's hot."

But before you jot these clinchers down, remember: most people are ugly. You may even be one of them. And if a girl isn't attracted to you, you can tell her she's the next Petra Nemcova, she won't care. The good news is, every person finds different things attractive. Personally, I like "'em young and Eurotrashy, with a fauxhawk and Manchester United jersey! Grrrr!

So here's what you do: roughly categorize all the girls in the room from uber-ugly to scorching hot. Start with the dogs and work your way up. While your talking to Bertha and Guadalupe about their tattoos, establish eye contact with the Natasha's and the Heidi's. By the time you get around to them, they'll be drunker, hornier, and quivering in their Juicy Couture.

A nice line to start out with is Hi, how are you?"

Smile, look her in the eyes, not up and down! The conversation should flow organically from here. But if she snaps, "I'm fine", and turns away, abort abort! Sure you'll strike out, maybe a lot, maybe with every girl there. Maybe you'll end up at home, watching Family Guy, eating fish sticks, and crying.

Not every guy can snag a Maxim pinup, but hey, lower standards, higher average! So trim that nose hair and reach for the stars, boys" reach for the stars.

Authors Note: No offense was intended to the genius movie Napoleon Dynamite. Tina, eat your casserole!

Eric Wang has a new issue of "That'll Happen" out, so rock that here. We're gonna jump on the tsunami bandwagon and mention that if you want to donate, go here. Enjoy these hotlinks.