Every year on January 2nd college kids across the country mourn the loss of something great" winter break. They would mourn on January 1st, but that day is mostly spent leaning over a toilet trying to figure out how, exactly, the word "'cock' came to be written on your face. It is not as if winter break is over; most of us have another two or three weeks left, but the fun portion of it is done. After the material joy of Christmas has passed and the debauchery of New Year's Eve is gone, what are you left with?Nothing. You've already exhausted every possible entertaining thing to do in your hometown ("I dunno, we could hang out at the gas station" again?"). And, to be honest, your high school friends are wearing on your nerves. There are only so many times you can hear a sentence started with "Oh shit, remember that time" " before you just lose it. Yes, home has certainly lost its magic.And there you are a depressed, slightly heavier version of yourself wishing for a return to the normalcy of college life: the parties, the all-microwavable-food diet, the shower-sandaled joy that is your life away from home. However, you will not be back in that all-too-healthy pattern for a few weeks and you've got some time to kill. Let me help you fill your last weeks of break with exciting and entertaining diversions to take your mind off the fact that you wont be doing any keg stands till Martin Luther King Jr. says, "my day has passed, go back to school.". Return all your gifts: You don't even like sweaters, but somehow you now own 32 of them. Plus, you're short on cash considering you blew it all trying to be a high roller on New Year's Eve ("Yeah, we'll have another bottle of Cristal over here!"). A-Ha! A simple solution to both problems return all of your gifts. Yes, you'll hurt some feelings but you'll have plenty of cash in your pocket and a guarantee from all your relatives that next year they'll be writing checks instead of shopping for you. Hell, while you're at it you might as well grab some of your kid sister's gifts and take them back too; is she really going to notice her missing Barbie Doll?
Take a fake vacation (or fakation): While most of your friends are basking on the sands of Saint Tropez, you're shoveling snow in New Jersey. Damn. Fool those suckers by crafting a perfect Fakation for yourself. All you'll need is a tanning bed, Adobe Photoshop and a few crappy trinkets to give your friends. In a few days, you'll have all the evidence of a great vacation: pictures of you on the beach, little shitty presents of all of them and a nice dark-orange, melanoma-inducing tan. Yes, having leathery skin and dark, malignant moles on your back will suck, but at least nobody will know that you spent your vacation watching "The O.C. Season One" with your sister.Call Your Friends: Here is a simple way to make all your college friends think you're having the time of your life; put on some loud techno music and call their cell phone. However, when they pick up, don't say anything into the phone. Instead, leave it lying on the bed while you talk to an imaginary person (preferably, make comments about their attractiveness, their helicopter, and how flattered you are that they want you to take them home tonight). Your friend will assume that you accidentally dialed their phone while you were out at some cool club and hang up in a jealous rage. When the ruse is through, go back to eating peanut butter and watching Conan.There isn't much to do in these last few weeks of break and you'll just have to get used to it. Some of my past late-break activities include taunting my dog while he's in his cage, driving aimlessly around my town and making liberal use of my parent's On-Demand cable package. At least you know that just over the horizon, just beyond view, is your return to school and all the joy that it entails. Well, at least it's fun till classes start" then it sucks. I hate school. I wish it was break. Matt has a new issue of Ah, College out, so check that. Also, we're now proud to feature the Stella videos from the guys who did The State on MTV and Wet Hot American Summer the movie. If you're into really good weird comedy, give them a look.Now, hotlinks.