Ah, the post-holiday period, where everyone is 15 pounds heavier than the fatties we were before the holidays. And trust me, we're fatties.

Don't be suprised, either. Of course America is getting fatter. We start early. How many of you grew up hearing, "You can't eat desert until you finish your meal." Not only is there an incentive for over-eating, but it's pie? Your kid is three forkfuls away from his own episode of Maury Povich and you're rewarding him with pie.

I saw one kid on that show who was five-years-old and weighed 230 pounds. That's ten pounds heavier than the fighting weight of Mike Tyson. How does that happen? This kid didn't gain 200 pounds overnight.

He had to be about 3-foot-2, 180, and his mother is going, "You know, he's looking a little chunky. Maybe I should call the people from Maury Povich." I'm no Dr. Spock, but let me tell you something, mother of the year, when you're husband is getting hand-me-downs from your five-year-old something is amiss in the kitchen.

They interview this woman, and she says, "You know, I notice he always eats more chocolate pudding than he should." Here's an idea – stop serving the kid pudding! He's five – he doesn't know how to make pudding. I'm 25 and I can't make pudding.

Too much pudding? He weighs 230 pounds! At this point, any pudding is too much pudding! Look at him! He's practically made of pudding. And I know you're the one serving it to him because his stubby meatball arms can't even reach his fat mouth.

But why do we over-eat as a country? A lot of reasons to over-eat are emotional, like anger, or rejection, or shame. But we're America! What do we have to be ashamed about? Well, the slavery thing, sure.

Segregation in general. Viet Nam. Watergate, prohibition, internment camps, the civil war, stealing land from the Indians, Iran Contra, unequal pay for men and women, and a culture that produced Snap Bracelets, Color Me Badd, and Paris Hilton. Maybe we should have another piece of pie.

Think you're funnier than Steve? Good. We're recruiting new CH writers for '05. Send samples of your stuff to us in word document format (collegehumor @ yahoo). Word.