If you were half as addicted to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as I was in my younger days, and if you're in college right now you almost certainly were, you can probably recite the theme song, tell me which turtle used what weapon, and have a box of fourteen variations on Ninja Turtle (everything from from regular Rapheal, to Astronaut Rapheal, to Pizza Throwing Rapheal, to Rapheal dressed as the great artist Rapheal). The youth of this newest generation, dubbed "generation Fox Kids", have different theme songs in their heads and different toys in their boxes. Instead of the Turtles, they've got crap like Pokemon, the new Ninja Turtles, and Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Now I'll admit, I watched the original Power Rangers but it never got near the point where my Ninja Turtle obsession was. I guess noticing that the Pink Ranger was hot was probably a sign I wouldn't be watching Power Rangers for long.
The Ninja Turtles truly contributed to the lexicon of a generation. When we were kids everything was either "'radical' or "'cowabunga'. The Power Rangers never really had this kind of appeal. I've never heard a little kid say, "Wow, that was morphin!"
I'm not here to tell you who was cooler, I think we already know. The real question philosopher's have pondered for almost ten years now that I seek to answer is "If you put the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Power Rangers (the original Power Rangers, none of this Dino Thunder crap) in a battle to the death, who would be the last daytime hero standing?
The Ninja Turtles strengths include hard shells, being trained a ninja weapon of choice, and an ability to dance to songs with catchy lyrics such as "go ninja, go ninja, go". The Power Rangers on the other hand have cool outfits, teleportation, and a "super awesome big thunder power megatron zord" robot. Of course they never used the big robots until their opponent blew up and when the dust settled was hundreds of feet taller. This never made sense to me. Why wait for the other guy to get big before you do? Why not just come to the fight scene larger and step on the clock, stop sign, or toaster that turned into a bad guy that can tell time, make you come to a complete stop, or toast a waffle in the first place?
So assuming the Power Rangers won't use the big machines, because they never do, all they have is their karate and their puny little pathetic excuse for an intergalactic laser pistol. I'd take a long stick over a laser pistol any day. Advantage: Ninja Turtles.
What about the coaches? The Turtles have Splinter, a rat who mastered martial arts and trained four young reptiles in the ways of karate and raised them as his own Teenage Mutant Ninja sons. All the Power Rangers have is a big face in a tube and a dorky robot that runs around yelling "ai yai yai yai yai".
The answer is clear. The Ninja Turtles would demolish the Power Rangers. The Power Rangers would be so badly beat, that Fox would finally decide to stop making crappy spin-offs like Power Rangers: In Space, Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy, Power Rangers: Spring break, Power Rangers: Return of the Jedi, and so on. If I were a Power Ranger I wouldn't show up to the fight, I'd move to Canada under an alias, and I would live my remaining days in secrecy. And I'd bring Kimberly with me.
Streeter's got a new column out today, so give that a look. This update is brought to you by our Big Shocker, which makes a great Christmas present, eh? Now, hotlinks.