Oct 31, 1621. I'm the only Native American keeping a blog, and the Pilgrims are calling me so many names: "nerd," "blatant anachronism," and even "savage!" Although, to be fair, I think they're calling all of us savages.
November 7, 1621. The great thing about our relationship with the Pilgrims is that it's full of give-and-take. We give them the tricks to survive in the "new" world, and they give us smallpox! Then, in a few centuries, they'll send us on the Trail of Laughs. That sounds like fun!
November 12, 1621. Things are getting a little strained with the Pilgrims. We don't want to pray to their God, and they don't want to get hammered and play Keno. It would be nice to be able to type "omg" instead of "Oh My Great Spirit" but seriously, one God who allows buckles on the hats? No wonder they had to flee from religious discrimination.
November 13, 1621. Then we tricked the dumb bastards into planting a fish with each kernel of maize. Can you believe it? PLANTING FISH WITH MAIZE? What do they think they're going to grow? Fishaize? Maish? Why don't you just plant the ketchup and some tater tots in there, too!? J/K! Or, as my people say, "J back-um-slash-um K."
November 14, 1621. Sometimes we get mean and wave Sacagawea dollars around in front of the Pilgrims, just to make them jealous. Ooooh, one of us is on the dollar; is there a Pilgrim on a piece of currency? Susan B. Anthony, you say? She wasn't a Pilgrim; she wasn't even a person!
November 19, 1621. My dad, Adverb Animal Name, is worried that the white man will hurt us, but I keep trying to tell him that they'll only bat us around for a little while. Then they'll get bored of oppressing us and start importing new people to enslave from another continent. You gotta credit those white people; even though they can't survive a Massachusetts winter, they're industrious when it comes to oppression!
November 21, 1621. I was dropping game smooth-as-an-otter style on this Pilgrim girl earlier, trying to get her digit, when her dad called me a redskin. I hope when future generations celebrate Thanksgiving, racial slurs like these are forgotten, not perpetuated by a perennially crummy NFL game with the Cowboys. At least after football is invented.
October, 1621. Fooled you! The first Thanksgiving was in October! Whose collegehumor update doesn't make sense now? Boy, do we have a lot to be thankful for! The Pilgrims have made our lives infinitely better with their gunpowder and their Jesus and their racially-neutral foreign policy. But I'm sure Oklahoma will be nice; I mean they are the Great Plains, right? And when the white man names Redman chewing tobacco, we'll probably get some royalties. If not, we can always start a new life in Cleveland: The City that Made Indians Famous.
The feast was a gay olde time, but I gotta get some sleep; I'm getting up at sun-half-past-rock to go hit the day-after-Thanksgiving sale at Sears. Yeah, Mom hoped this would be the year I'd upgrade and buy her Christmas gift at J.C. Penney, but not on a basket weaver's salary. Besides, nobody's ever going to give me the gift I want: a gaming license to open a casino by an interstate off-ramp in Connecticut. We could have our own WNBA team! Yes, I think things are about to get mighty good for the Native Americans.
Streeter has a new column out? This is true. So check that.
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