Every Halloween millions of us dress up as any variety of fanciful figures. Some us may choose a complicated costume, some will choose a simple one. If you're a girl it's most likely that you will be a "sexy" something (i.e. nurse, schoolgirl, devil, witch, pediatrician, etc.). If you're a guy, you'll most likely be something on the funny side or something you describe as "giant": a videogame character, a mocking depiction of a celebrity or a giant dick. But what is to come of your costume after the witching hour?
No doubt many of you are wondering what to do with that "giant douche" costume you and your friends worked so hard on. Or maybe you're racking your brain trying to find a use for your "Ambiguously Gay Duo" outfit. Anyway you slice it, the question remains: now that I've got my candy, what can I do with this Lil' John pimp chalice?
Girls have it much easier. Since they will most likely dress sexy, their costumes can be re-used in the bedroom. What man wouldn't be delighted to see his lady come out of the bathroom in a Smurfette costume (minus the body paint" or not)? If I had a girlfriend I would make her wear her costume around the house long after Halloween. My friends would come over in August and marvel at my girlfriend's "sexy plumber" outfit. Girls, being much smarter than men, know this and will occasionally break out a piece of a former costume from time to time: some fishnets here, a sequined bra there, maybe even some chaps" who knows.
We men, being the less intelligent species, are still faced with the daunting task of deciding the fate of our much-beloved costumes. We can't really wear the costumes in the bedroom no lady really wants to see you come out of the bathroom all horny and wearing your "giant condom" costume. We can't even wear pieces of the costumes; "No honey, it's ok. I'm not wearing the entire Super Mario Bros. costume" just the mustache." It aint gonna work, my friend. And don't even think about wearing it again. We all remember the kid from grade school who wore the same thing every year" what a douche! Yeah, I'm talking to you, Tom.
There are a few options when dealing with a used Halloween costume. You could always try to give it to a friend who doesn't have the flare for dressing up that you do. He was the one on Halloween walking around in jeans and a T-Shirt saying, "I'm a college student" see, I have a (school's name) T-Shirt on." Pull him aside and explain that no one thinks his little "ironic" costume is funny and that next year, he should probably wear your "gay pirate" costume to redeem himself. Sadly, though, many of these young men have too much pride to accept your generous gift. But don't give up hope yet because there is always"
The homeless! Anyone who sleeps on a bench and wears 12 coats in summer will be more than happy to snag a nice "Power Ranger" suit. The homeless will freely take your cans and leftovers, so why not your old Halloween costume? Plus, then people won't be so afraid of the homeless anymore. When was the last time you ran away from someone in a "Quailman" costume? Never. So you won't be scared if you see a homeless guy lurking down the alley in one, will you? Plus, that costume isn't even a stretch for many homeless people" a lot of them wear their underwear on the outside anyway.
To facilitate this plan, I will put in place a system of drop boxes for people to dump their old costumes in" kind of like the Red Cross. Every year, hundreds of college students will roll up to these boxes and dump in "flasher-man suits", "giant tampon costumes" and thousands of masks ranging from George W. to "Mr. Penis Nose." This way, college students help themselves by ridding their dorms of large, awkward costumes and they help others by providing Wendel with that spandex body suit he's always wanted.
That, or you could just throw it away.
Steve has a new column out so check that. Thanks to MagazinesForCheap (Maxim and Stuff for $10) for sponsoring this update. Now, hotlinkers!