It's true what they tell you growing up. The real world is a bitch. Everything else they told you is bullshit. We are told many lies when we are young"
Lie #1: In high school we are always warned about our "permanent record." This was used to keep us in line. WELL WHERE'S THAT MOTHER FUCKER NOW?! Gone. Not so permanent after all. If I had known that, I would have gotten suspended much more, which would have impressed Vanessa Raymond, the popular bitch that I wanted to like me, but was never badass enough to get her to like me. I could have made dramatic scenes in the halls, "Fuck you Principal Bushweeds, I don't care if it goes on my permanent record! I'm outta here. Hey Vanessa, wanna hop in my mom's Volvo and hit up the Coffee Bean?" Man, that would have been great.
Lie #2: Acne is only a high school thing. Fucking lie. Half of my friends, myself certainly included, still have acne. The only way we were able to deal with acne in high school was that we were promised it would only be there in high school! Well, I'm 26, and I'm still spending money I don't have on Acne products. I'm up at 4am watching TV, and Vanessa Williams convinces me I have to order Pro-Active. Being proactive is good. Ordering Pro-Active is expensive. And so far it's worked about as well as using maple syrup to cure my fat ass. Sure I haven't been using the three-step system, twice a day like I'm supposed to, but it's hard, because I'm not a woman! I don't have time for face maintenance when there are snacks in the fridge and "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials on TV. It's about priorities in the real world. Which nicely brings me back to my point.
The real world is a bitch. It's amazing that there isn't a course in college that helps prepare you for life on the outside. Cause shit changes. Immediately. I thought I realized that, but I had no idea. I know I'd have to get a job and make money, and start paying some bills, but what I didn't get, just because you can't until you are living it, is the gravity of all this. Each decision is so fucking important. Each decision feels like it can, and often will affect the rest of your life. Do you take the job that pays better, but you know you won't really like, which could send you down a spiral of professional unhappiness, working for the man for the rest of your life? Or do you follow a dream, which will feel good each day, and it better, because that good feeling is the only thing that will keep you going while you rack up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, praying for a bag of a money to fall from the sky, and seriously considering a life of crime just to subsidize your rent, car payment, weed habit, and maple syrup addiction? Tough question there my friends. Each has its downfalls. The only advice I have is this: Do whatever puts a smile on your face, and whatever you can see keeping that smile there for a long, long time. If you get bored, either change the way you look at it, or just change paths. It's never too late to decide to be happy.
Because there is hope! You see, it's true the real world is a bitch. But it's that bitch from high school that never wanted to fuck you. Why is that hopeful? Because that bitch from high school is also now in the real world, and she has the same struggles you do. Her confidence is gone, and while she's still cute, you run into her at a bar and realize that you've got more confidence than she does. It all comes down to confidence. The real world can be conquered with that one simple word. If you have confidence in yourself, and your ability to use your talents to succeed, at some point, sooner or later, you will. And the world will reward your confidence. And suddenly you've got that hot bitch from high school wrapped around your finger, and you can do whatever you want with her. This of course is a metaphor. Because that hot bitch has now gained some weight, and it would be very difficult to wrap her around your finger. But you get the idea.
The real world is a bitch. But at some point you realize that bitches are easy to figure out. And it's just like you're back in high school. Only this time Vanessa Raymond does hop in your mom's Volvo. And the Volvo's got new rims.
Ben Gleib has performed on "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn," and is the star of "The Gleib Show" on the National Lampoon Network. He can also be seen on Carmen Electra's "E! True Hollywood Story."
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