Over the past month four different hurricanes have beat up Florida and the rest of the southeastern states. (you know. Arkansas, Alabama… Guam" ) But after a couple days of windy rain, these hurricanes just disappear off the radar, their fifteen minutes of fame waning faster than William Hung's. (William WHO!?) But I figured it was my duty to do some extensive research and find out what exactly happened to these hurricanes once they left Florida. Remember Francis? Charley? Ivan? And now Jeanne? It wasn't easy, but I caught up with all four of them and I think you'll be PLEASANTLY surprised at what I found.

Charley: Hurricane Charley was the first of the "big four" and because of that, he has taken his descent into mediocrity very personally. I ran into Charley in a bar in Nevada where he was nothing more than a gust of wind. My hair blowing slightly I asked him how he was doing, just a month after everybody in the news was talking about him. He began rambling about how people have completely forgotten about him, and that he even overheard somebody refer to those Florida Hurricane's as, "The Big Three." He grew irritated as he reminded me that he had killed 17 people! His was the only storm that had the entire state of Florida wet" back when category five MEANT something.

I then decided to have a little fun with ole Charley and told him to "blow me." I could tell that he was trying to get something going as he attempted to lift me off the ground and intimidate me, but all he could do was rustle my shirt. "Thanks," I replied, "it was kinda hot in here. Oh, and barkeep, close Charley's tab, he's done."

Frances: Hurricane Frances was by far the most eccentric of the four hurricanes. Did you guys know he has a tongue ring? I'm not saying Hurricane Frances is gay, but when I met up with him at a trendy New York City hot spot he looked VERY chummy with some tropical storm who was wearing fishnet stockings. He seemed very humble about his background and only brought up the fact that he left four million people without power if I brought it up. "Listen, that was then, this is now. I'm more focused on my film career. The key is trying to parlay my news coverage into something more substantial. Are you gonna finish that taco?" He ordered a Shirley Temple, downed it right quick then told me "excuse me, I'm gonna see if I can poke that "'cane in the eye of his storm." Tropical Storm Sylvester seemed offended, then put his hand on my knee, and I just shook my head "no." These jeans aren't an invitation to rape me!

Ivan: I now realize why Hurricane Ivan has that reputation of being a dick. Firstly, he was an hour and thirty minutes late to our meeting, (Mel's Drive-In diner in San Francisco.) And when I saw the taxi cab pull up and this drunken gust of wind saunter out and into the restaurant I was just in disbelief. I tried to hide my hide my head and stare down at my already cold meal but it was too late. I was recognized instantly (because of my hat that said PRESS) and he collapsed next to me across the table as his accented broken English bombarded me. "What now you ask question reporter man?" I asked how Jamaica was, and I asked him how Alabama and Lousiana were. He just laughed it off and said "Very bad, its real rainy this time of year. Hurricane season!" Very funny, you fucking drunk.

The most revealing part about Ivan's character was when his girlfriend, a category three hussy sauntered in with bruises all over her eye. "She fell down stairs." Ivan commented as he gave her a twenty. Yeah right. But as she walked out the door she fell down more stairs and hit her eye eight more times. Hey, at least Ivan is forthright.

Jeanne: Hurricaine Jeanne was so fresh when I talked to her I had to wear an umbrella hat during the interview. She was still gusting at over 30mph at times and soaking wet. We met at a Starbucks in Nashville and Jeanne was humble, polite, and poignant. Her stance on the upcoming elections is one of "quiet reservation." As a registered Democrat she doesn't believe the anti-Bush hype she sees on TV. But she does hold some reservations about our president. "His brother, Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, is very anti-hurricane, and that scares me." Jeanne said candidly. "Though Kerry hasn't voiced his distaste for canes or tropical storms he has openly voted against us, and our right to marry." Jeanne continued, "So THAT really rained on my parade." I just stared at her blankly. "Get it, RAINED on my parade? I'm a storm!"

I did get it Jeanne" I really did" Really did" forever.


Aaron Karo has a new issue of Ruminations out today so go rock that. And Matt has one too, so do dat too. Or, if you're not into the whole "reading" thing, Mike has a new episode of his animated cartoon Lower Learning out as well.

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