Have any of you been watching football this weekend? Yes, of course you have. That's like asking an English major if he smoked a cigarette this weekend. Anyway, during the Detroit vs. Chicago Shitty Football Convention, I saw the greatest commercial in the history of the world. Every straight man who's seen it already knows exactly which one I'm talking about. A certain fast-food joint that does not sponsor us and will therefore remain nameless comes up the idea of filming a smoking-hot chick. Hotness: 8. She's on a mechanical bull for the entire commercial. Hotness: 15. She's eating a gigantic cheeseburger and getting it all over herself and SLOWLY LICKING IT OFF HER OWN FINGERS. Hotness: 50,000.

While I and every other man in the room tried to come up with a smooth way of cleaning the ejaculate out of our boxers without anyone else noticing, one of those insipid "…and twins!" beer commercials comes on. In the middle of the gigantic mistake of making retired football players sing, they decide to throw another hot chick into the crowd, where she tells us she loves "being one of the GUYS!" and then high-fives one or something. Bullshit. Absolute horseshit. No, no, no, no, no. Look, there are 2 ways to become one of the guys:

1) Be a guy.
2) There is no second way.

It's not that girls aren't welcome to watch football. That's fine. You have to realize that in the dynamic that is "The Guys," there is no room for "The Chick," unless that's short for "The Chick That Is Dave's Girlfriend," because that makes her hands-off. If she's single and wants to be one of the guys, she's in for a lot of competition for her, as if that ever works. Let's be honest. The chick that's one of the guys NEVER puts out as much as would make everyone happy. That would put her in the stratosphere of sluttiness. You never meet those types at football games, do you?

No, she doesn't want to do all the other guys. She, however, probably wouldn't mind the inevitable attention that logically follows whenever you throw a piece of ass into a group of frustrated men. Have you ever seen 6 male football fans who are all friends all try to get with one girl without really trying? It's pathetic. It makes the Real World look like a safety video about OD'ing on Ritalin.

So, ladies, do us a favor. If you're going to be one of the guys, start by being a girlfriend to one of them. Dicks who try to get with other girlfriends get weeded out of The Guys quickly. Or, do the really gracious thing and whore it up with all of us, even the fat guy who sweats when he eats. But don't bring the cleavage into play when we're watching football. It makes us act jealous, snippy, and beyond irrational. Kind of like… one of the girls.

1. Thanks goes out to SportsRant.com for sponsoring this update. If you like talkin' about sports, check out their forums.

2. Aaron has a new column out today so peep that.

3. Exciting news. Our Election Erection Contest (working title) where you get naked and write your choice of presidential canidate on your body kicks off today. Right now Kerry is ahead Bush by a with a 5 to 2 lead. And with girls like this I can see why. So ladies- why not rock the vote?

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