Maybe we would do some of the reading for our classes if we could have more choices in what we read. So to reminisce about growing up and reading those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books, voila:
1. You just took your last final of the semester. You:
a. go to the library to get a head start on next semester's readings (go to 2a)
b. go straight to the bar (go to 2b)
2a. You are a huge tool. Purchase a blow up doll or vibrator because that is the only action you will ever get.
2b. You are at the bar. While there, a House Slut (for explanation see my last update) offers to buy you drinks. You:
a. say no because you can picture all your friends' tongues in the House Slut's mouth (go to 3a).
b. accept the free alcohol offer, then throw a dart at the House Slut to get away (go to 3b).
3a. You turned down free alcohol? See 2a.
3b. You are one awesome mofo, though next time aim for the Slut's eye. Now you're trashed, kicking it on the dance floor, and two members of your sexual preference come up to you. You make out with the:
a. fat ugly one (go to 4a)
b. really fat ugly one (you thought someone hot would like you?)
4a. Good, fat people need lovin too. Though you start to feel sick so you:
a. take a few minutes to let your stomach settle (go to 5a)
b. BOOT AND RALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (go to 5b)
5a. How the hell did you make it this far into the adventure if you're such a damn loser. Fucking boot and move on to 5b.
5b. Yeah champ. Luckily someone photographed your hurl and it'll make it onto one of those awesome websites that show pictures of college kids puking and naked chicks for no reason whatsoever. Now that you've expelled all your alcohol, you get the House Slut to buy you a few more drinks and chuck another dart, this time hitting the Slut in the face. You end up going back to a random apartment with 5 people where there is a convenient 1:1 guy/girl ratio. The group offers you some marijuana. You:
a. accept, because, "marijuana's not a drug, I sucked dick for coke." -Bob Saget (go to 6a)
b. reject, "marijuana's bad." -Mr. Garrison (go to 6b).
6a. Know your limits. You made a noble effort, but you pass out. Everyone proceeds to write in marker all over you. You lose.
6b. Jackpot. All the other members of your sex are too stoned to function. As a result you are the only person left for everyone else to hookup with. Fabulous orgy ensues. Congrats- you win at college.
Neil has a new column out called "Reverse Encouragement for an Independent Life," so rock that. This update has been brought to you by LazyF**k.net, where you can waste hours procrastinating. Now let's throw some hotlinks on the grill