And without further adieu…

Annoying soho ditz who's wearing a prettier flower dress than you- Don't worry about this bitch. She's got a boyfriend already, and is just a cocktease. If anything, you can exploit the sexual frustration she brings upon guys and pick up where she left off.

Metro frat boy- This guy loves to brag about being in a frat. He'll somehow bring it up in conversation, and if he's good he'll be subtle about it. Feel free to admire his perfectly sculpted haircut and well-manicured nails as he blabbers on and on about his fraternity's upcoming intramural sports game or cliche themed kegger. But make sure to keep your eye on your drink.

Former high school hot shot jock, who's now disgruntled because he's balding, fattening, and way past his prime- Usually associated with the metro frat boy, this pride and joy of his hometown high school is now a raging alcoholic, gutty and hairy in the wrong places. The energy that he always put into sports like football and basketball are now going into sports like beirut, quarters, and drunken texas holdem. Easy lay for girls who didn't have that opportunity in high school.

Shy-looking foreign guy who's actually a caged animal- If he's at a bar, chances are he's better looking than the foreigners in the library on weekend nights. Let his accent charm you, and ask about his homeland and what the girls are like there. If you make a guy think about girls, and you're the only girl talking to him… what do you think is gonna happen?

Fat guy surrounded by a bunch of girls, who he thinks are his "friends" but probably are annoyed cuz he always calls them and tries to tag along- If he tries to talk to you, just laugh at him. Cuz come on, why not? Everyone else does behind his back. Or you can be nice to him, and hope he introduces you to his male friends who are actually decent looking and are only friends with him because he knows a bunch of girls who have vaginas but would never get with him.

Tall, buff black dude who's chilling by the dance floor with his other tall, buff black friends, but is too cool to dance- The reason he doesn't need to dance is because he's on the football team, and doesn't need to dance with girls or do any other stupid shit that average guys do to get with them. He's above all that. If you're a jersey chaser, make sure that you pretend to not know who he is, and that you don't give a fuck about the team. That's how you can distinguish yourself, and have the privelege of giving him fellatio.

Scummy T.A. guy who always flirts with the girls in his class- He'll probably be drunk, so if he's good looking, sleep with him… if not, don't. Either way, he's gonna raise your grade because seeing you at the bar will at least award you with masturbation fantasy status.

The Professor- Same as the T.A., but only for girls with saggy nuts fetish. Trust me… if he's at a bar, his wife definitely is not a MILF. If it's Father's Day, you should give this daddy a present… in the form of a pink fish taco wrapped in flowers and perfume.

50-year-old homeless guy who just wants to slap some young college lass ass- I saw someone like this at a bar in Iowa City. He was fat, disgusting, old, dirty, and LOVED looking at the scantily clad sorority hotties. One time, after taking a large swig of beer, he ran up to the group of girls and started dancing on them for a few seconds, and then ran back to the bar, chilling like it never happened. When I asked him why he didn't keep dancing with the girls, he said "Man, women piss me off." He was so hilariously drunk. I think I also saw him sitting in court the morning after I went to the drunk tank.

Police Officer guy- He may be handsome and powerful looking in that outfit of his, but do not hit on him, no matter how drunk you are. If you do, he'll probably give you a ticket or at least convince you to give him head in the bathroom stall. While handcuffed, of course. Hopefully, he arrests the 50-year-old homeless guy before he gets out of control.

The Bouncer- Please, PLEASE talk to this guy, so he'd be distracted when I show him my fake ID. He HATES having to do his job while a hot girl is pretending to give a shit about him.

Ruggedly handsome Asian guy who thinks he's cool just because he writes shit on a website that everyone already knows- Yeah, that would be me. If you see me, come up, say "Hi, you're fly, lets get high, as a kite, I am bi, wanna meet my girlfriends?" That would totally make my night. And my morning, and afternoon, and maybe the next evening, depending on how much energy everyone has.

Straight from Penn State to you, Eric has a new column out called "My Last First Week" so give that a look.

Thanks to for sponsoring this update. You can get anything you want on a shirt there- which is cool. Now- hotlinks!