Hello everybody! If you're reading this sentence, than you've already begun the most important CollegeHumor.com update ever. While most other articles can promise you laughter, this article can promise you CASH! (Cash means american money.) I've recently discovered a website that turns something that ALL of you own into unadulterated smelly-putrid-rotting-fresh-intimidating money! Please don't let your attention span wear thin at the sight of my obscenely-long-hyphenated-words, keep reading and you will be rewarded with several hundred, if not thousands of moneys.

"BUT WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY HAVE TO OFFER!! I'M JUST A POOR STUDENT!!" No Duh! But you are a poor student with old textbooks! That's right, for those of you who opted not to attend the end-of-the-year bonfire in which students hurled their textbooks into a pit of flame as a means of symbolic vindication (or in my case, were too socially awkward to be invited to any school event that required friendship) your lucky day has arrived! Right now there are thousands of eager college kids begging to buy your old textbooks for pretty darn good prices! So far I've sold 4 old textbooks to the tune of $195.03, and I've still got more to go. And the great thing is, ANYBODY CAN DO IT!

However… you will need to read some comedically written tips in order to ensure that your books will sell… tips written by an experienced writer and book seller! So without further adeiu i present to you… "ERNEST HEMINGWAY'S 5 TIPS TO SELLING OLD TEXTBOOKS!!!"

1) Choose the Right Textbook. Nobody wants to buy an old biology book that discredits evolution and talks about two up and coming "futurists" named Watson and Crick who recently discovered DNA. Textbooks are like cars, if you don't have a history book from 2007 already, you're out of date. The fresher the book the more money you can get. For example, the Dead Sea Scrolls are like textbooks from 2000 BCE. They're the oldest text book out there, and would fetch NO money on textbook reselling websites. However, if you have a Math Book from like… 2003, you could probably get some fine cheese for that amount. (Cheese means cash).

2) Set the Right Price. It's useless to try to sell your old textbook for $300.00 and it is useless to try to sell your old textbook for $1.00. The key is to find a happy medium. So I sometimes use exactly $150.00, I figure its perfectly in between these two extremes! What can go wrong! If that fails, you might wanna see how much the cheapest asking price is for your book is, and subtract a penny. Either method is completely acceptable.

3) Location! Location! Location! Location doesn't matter at all when selling a textbook. Its just a book.

4) Description matters! Some sites will ask you for a sentence or two description of your specific book- this is your chance to shine! Most other people will throw out cliche terms such as "Like new," "No Highlites," "Some ripped pages," or "cum stains! just kidding!" This is where your description will differentiate yourself from the other 100 people trying to sell their book!

Don't try to act like a used car salesman, just tell the truth. Use key phrases like "Look, I'll level with you, this isn't really a book, its a facade I made out of an oak tree" and "If you buy this book, you'll probably get a C, cuz I ain't shippin it!" Buyers will view these honest statements as a breath of fresh air and it might just give you the edge you need over "Johnny-Come-Lately."

5) A Picture is worth a thousand and one words. Because of the weakening of the American Dollar versus the Japanese Yuan, a picture is now worth a little over a thousand words. Some sites allow you to submit a picture along with your description when selling your old textbook.

I was completely dumbfounded to see that 99% of people DO NOT take advantage of this feature! Providing a picture will ensure your buyer that not only do you own the book, but you're also rich enough to own a digital camera, so you're probably not an online criminal! Provide a picture that shows a little skin, that goes for you guys, too! A naked chick, or dude, standing next to a book can GO A LONG way when trying to woo your potential buyer. Besides, do you really care that a pedophile from North Dakota is buying your book just to smell the pages that have been near your crotch? NO! As John Kerry said, "Money is Money, even if it was earned while molesting little kids."

So there you have it! Five easy-to-follow tips that will ensure sweet sexual profit from your old dusty textbooks. If you're still a little unclear on what the final product would look like, check out this page which currently displays a Microeconomics textbook that I'm trying to sell.

Here's to retiring early!!! Ahahaha! Don't Spend your first million too quickly!!! hahaha! Can I borrow your YACHT when you're done with it!?!? Hahaha! What is your BUTLER doing this weekend, I want to start an intramural basketball team and he's got a good jump shot! AH aha hah! Seriously, though, about that YACHT! AH aha ha!! Enjoy these hotlinks! HA AHA HA~!

Matt has a new column out called "My Walk of Shame" so check that out, as well as Dean's new article.

This update has been sponsored by ShockerTees.com, where you can get, well, shocker tee shirts. And now, straight from the home office in Baltimore, MD…