It is time once again, to say helloTo fresh young minds eager to grow.The freshman, it seems, have come at lastTo hang out in dorms and sit on the grass.To them I say, Welcome fresh fishFor your next year will be one not to miss.Take it from me, the wise and the learnedNever a party goes skipped, never a credit un-earned. You are in for a ride of unimaginable gleeWhere you will learn what it is to truly be free.No curfew, no rules, a fine situationUnless you attend a Catholic institution.So let me just say, from the depths of my heartI hope you all have a very good startBecause as you grow, you will certainly findThat in freshman year, your best times are left behind.To make the best of this year, you must listen trueTo this brilliant advice I pass on to you.Don't question my wisdom, for I am surely rightHell, I drank beer from a girl's ass one night.You must never skip class unless for good reasonLike throwing a Frisbee, drinking, or sleeping.You must always call home; make sure that it's done Where do you think all your money comes from?Avoid every chance to eat in the cafeDon't ask me why" just ask your ass.Always wear sandals when washing your body and hairWho knows what the kid before you was doing in there?When given a nickname, never protest itIt's an honor to be called "Slutski" or "He-Tit"Write all of your papers the night before they're dueYou'll save lots of time and energy too!When dining at home, there are but three optionsEasy Mac, Pop Tarts and, of course, Top RamenPiss off your roommate right from the get goIt's fun to have a psycho sleeping below you.Sex is ok, but make sure to be carefulThe top bunk is shaky and the common room; lethal.Get a fake ID, but do not be hastyYou don't look Puerto Rican when you're tall, thin and pasty.Attend every party or soon you will seeThat you're the only kid on the hall with no STDDrink every beer, take every hitWake up on the floor covered in shit.Take every shot, down every drinkSmoke till your brain can no longer thinkSmack every ass, gain every poundPull your drunk ass up off the groundWear every hoodie, cry every MayCherish every moment you can remember the next day.With that, my friends, it is time for me to goI hope you have listened to all that I knowBut let me just say, and let you just hearWelcome, young minds, to your Freshman Year.1. Dean's got a new column out called "FFTHONKK!" (really). So check that. Also check out Aaron Karo's new column here yo.2. Christian Finnegan of VH1's Best Week Ever is gonna write some stuff for us in the next couple of weeks so stay tuned for that. We're stoked. He's also playing at Caroline's in New York this Wednesday if you're in the 'hood
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