Hopefully this is information that most of you will never have to use, but my guess is that a lot of you already could've used it. One night, after some party hopping and S & M style groping on the dance floors, I was walking a hottie back to her dorm building. I wanted to seal the deal but had to break the seal before that, so I told her to wait as I went across the street to pee in the bushes. A car pulled up during my bladder relaxation moment, and of course it just happened to be a police car, so my ass got arrested and the girl ran away before he even saw her. In jail, I was surrounded by an assortment of scary, hairy dudes, all with their different reasons for being there, such as aggravated assault and being drunk as skunks smelling their own funk on their way to Funkytown, about to get down
sorry bout that. Anyway, I felt totally sober when I got arrested but blew a .11 so he threw me in there with all of these pathetic looking mofos. We talked a little bit about each person's reasons for being there, because I was intrigued by the fact that there were bigger losers than me in this world. I couldn't fall asleep because I was scared that something bad would happen, but I finally did for about half an hour.
Suddenly, while in my sleep, I heard this noise next to my head, and I realized that everyone in the room was laughing, so I opened my eyes and saw this huge guy standing over me with his wang out. I soon figured out that the noise next to my head was the sound of urine splashing on the floor, and somewhat bouncing onto my head, so I quickly rolled out and washed my hair in the sink. This guy was extremely drunk and incoherent, and in there for beating up his landlord who was a "26 year old Chinaman," so I didn't want to try kicking his ass after he casually went back to sleep and totally forgot about violating me in one of the worst ways possible on a night when I was sober and had blue balls from being molested for two hours by a hot girl that I met the previous day. I tried to piss on him though, but I had stage fright because everyone else was watching. Anyway, the irony is that I was arrested for public urination and then got pissed on in jail. However, thinking back on it, I realized that I really had no clue what I was doing that night, so I decided to leave some hindsighted advice for all you soon-to-be drunk tank inhabitants.
1. Do not act friendly. Put on the meanest, ugliest face you can make, and keep it until it becomes permanently engraved. If you're not attractive looking, no one will want to sodomize you.
2. Cower in the corner and stare straight into the air, 12 inches in front of you. You don't want the other people to think that you're intruding on their space in the cell, do you? This works even better if you shiver the whole time, because then they'll think you have some kinda shivering disease or at least a neurotic disorder, and stay away from you.
3. If you're a small guy, find the biggest guy/group of people in the cell and make conversation. You now have a protector, and if this protector asks for favors that you would never do in the outside world, just suck it up (literally).
4. If you're a big guy, find the smallest, most ethnic looking guy in the cell (e.g. me), walk over after he falls asleep, and take a piss on his head. No one will touch you, because this is jail, not prison, and no one wants to stay for more than the night that they're assigned.
5. If you know of any good jokes, share them with the cellmates. The more offensive, the better, because jailees tend to be crude and uncivilized folk. If you make people laugh, then that's one reason not to kill you by giving you swirlies in the stainless steel toilet until you suffocate on your own defecation.
6. Always address the police officer as "sir," especially if it's a woman, because women cops LOVE pretending to be men. They try really hard to be, with their mullets and back muscles and penises tucked away between their legs. However, if a cop makes an inappropriate comment or has a rude attitude, you have the right to stand up for yourself. A few comebacks I said to a cop were "Actually, it doesn't feel TOO torn up," and "Well at least I didn't get ejaculated on like you always try to do, you wretched, semen-slurping, bukkake-dwelling whore of a man!" The look on his face was well worth the bruises I got from the resulting police brutality.
7. On your way out, don't steal the cute, fashionable orange jumpsuit, as tempting as it may seem to make your friends think that you're the next DMX or Fiddy (50) Cent. That will only piss off the cops more. Stick to the old methods of posing by blasting loud rap music in your parents' BMW convertible and using urban slang such as "yo" and "whodundatderrrr be so fresh so clean clean bling bling a ling chingaling magic mushrooms." Your friends will still say you're cool to your face.
This update has been sponsored by South's Park's, Passion of the Jew, on DVD this upcoming Tuesday.
Neil has a new column out today called "Crown of ores" so give that a look, as well as these marvelous hand-picked hotlinks. Have a stellar weekend, everybody!