Now who doesn't love it when one of their friends passes out? There is nothing better than when you look over after a night of binging on cheap booze and see that your friend is in a near comatose state. You can yell, you can scream, you can piss on his or her head and they will in no way respond. This is when you know you're going to have some fun with them. I understand many people tend to use the ole' sharpie method (this is , of course, when you'll write not only sexual terms and racial slurs, but also some inside jokes about the person). Even so, I think it's time to come up with a few more original ideas on how to shame someone. If you happen to perform any of these acts, go ahead and submit a pic, because I would love to see the havoc I created.
You might think to yourself, "Hey what would this guy know about good shamings?" Well, I'll tell you. A few friends and I threw a party that got a little out of hand. One of my rather large friends had a wee too much and passed out and since I'm such a great guy, I helped my still semi-conscious friends decide what to do with him. We came to the conclusion to drive him about three miles away from the party spot to a friend's front door step in a gated community. That's not too bad is it? The thing is, the poor bastard only had a shirt that was too small, some boxers, and a sock to cover up his passed out self. To make it worse, it was only about thirty-two degree weather. We decided to help him out and gave him a big bottle of Mountain Dew to help him re-hydrate himself, and a fire poker to fend off any wild beasts. We called up the owner of the house and told him we left a nice present on his door step. Turned out that he wasn't there and he somehow got himself up and about. We ended up looking for him until four A.M. and when we finally found him, he was in the same house's basement, lying on the cold linoleum floor, penis hanging out of his boxers Anywho, let's look at some good shamings.
1. Some of my favorite shamings are the ones where it takes the person some good bit of time to realize that they've been had. Yeah, it is great to have the person get up and, in a drunken haze, realize he shouldn't have passed out but I think it's even better when they wake up and go to work with a giant hairy cock drawn going into their mouths.
2. I've seen a good bit of people pile things or tie things onto their passed out buddies. That's O.K., but how about tying them to something like a national monument. If you can accomplish that, the person won't have to wonder, "Whoa, where the hell am I?" because they'll know right that very second, "Oh, why I'm upside down on the Sam Houston statue and there just so happens to be a tour happening today."
3. This one is best at the beach, and does take some preparation. Just simply spend a day or so tying things such as lawn chairs, planks of wood, and inner tubes together. Next simply drag it to a random spot on the beach where no houses or people are. When your friend passes out, drive him or her over to the spot, strip them down and place them next to the makeshift raft near the water. When they wake up they won't know whether they got drunk and decided to go to Cuba or just got really drunk and had to abandon a ship sometime during the night. Either way, they have to go find a telephone and call you up in their underwear.
4. I've seen plenty of pictures of people that change around the lettering on their local signs. This one's simple. Just do that, but make it say something about your passed out friend. I think the more popular one will be, "Blowjobs $1". Then, just place your friend beside it. If you don't like the person you can handcuff or tie them to it. That way when the owner comes, they'll in some way or another get blamed for the whole "Blowjobs $1" thing.
5. This next one also involves the beach. Much like #3 it's going to take some preparation. During the day just dig a nice big hole anywhere you want. Whenever your pal passes out, just simply put them in it. That doesn't really sound that fun or original does it? Well, how about you let me finish you needy asshole? Just put a bunch of old food all around/on them. This way, once day comes, all the hungry seagulls and crabs have something good for themselves to eat.
6. This is going to be my final idea. You might be wondering why in hell I'd end it on six. Well, how about you try and think up a bunch of witty and original ideas to do to your passed out friends? It sounds really simple and fun, and it is, but I'm fucking lazy and I dropped a 200 pound TV on my finger two days ago so it's hard to type. Either way, my final idea is to devise a complicated contraption. Think the board game "Mouse Trap". Have the whole trigger for the system be a small string around the shamee's finger. This way when the shamee is trying to figure out where they are and what the hell they're doing, they just happen to see a ball roll down a make-shift ramp, into a bowl, which flips a man into a cup, that tips over and knocks down some dominoes, which strikes a match that pops a balloon, that scares a chicken, and so on. This complicated piece of shit will have them wondering what the hell is going on all the way up to the part where a canvas falls and reveals a naked picture of their grandmother.
To end this whole update up, I just want to say that although I would love to see some of you CH readers send in some pictures of my previously mentioned ideas, feel free to think up some new and original ideas yourself. The whole Sharpie idea is great and can be hilarious, but I think it's time to think up some other ways to shame people. Be as creative as you want. I say the more work put into it, the more the shamee is going to regret the fact they passed out, and the more fun you'll get out of it in the end. So go on out and have some fun at your friends' expense.
One thing we're trying to start doing more of on CH is interviews with people we think are cool. So, let's kick that off with this interview Streeter did with comedian Mitch Fatel, who's got a new CD out called "Miniskirts and Muffins" (here's a sample track from the CD about doin' it doggystyle.) Awesome.
In other news, Neil has a new column out today, so hit up that. Thanks to MagazinesForCheap for sponsoring this update- tell them thanks by getting a whole year of Maxim and Stuff for $10 delivered to your dorm. Now, hotlinks. Enjoy the weekend, folks