It's that time of four years again! The summer games are upon us, and with over 70 hours of coverage PER day, it may seem a little overwhelming" AT FIRST! See how I did that? I made it seem like it was going to be overwhelming before the ellipse and then afterwords I made you think otherwise. That's because the rest of this article is going to be about breaking down the Olympic coverage alphabetically into tiny bite sized nuggets of comedy. I hope you enjoy" ENTERTAINMENT! See how I did that? (please note: Time and channels have been completely made up by me, odds of both being correct are slim to nil, please check your local tv affiliate for exact programming information.)ARCHERY- When it comes to the only Olympic sport in which people can die, you might wanna keep your eye out on this one. The drunken Women's team event is your best bet. The East German team is bound to slip up and let one fly towards the gallery. (4 AM est. on NBC)BADMINTON- A little birdie told me this event is much cooler than you would think. (LOL! A little badminton humor never hurt anybody!) Besides, chicks really dig this event, huddle up with your sweetheart and check out a match or two. Odds are, she'll be sucking your shuttlecock by game 3! (LOL! A little badminton humor never hurt anybody!) (6:30 PM est on MSNBC)BASEBALL- If you think American baseball is boring, wait till you see Cuba battle the Netherlands. Effing lame. (2:30 AM est. on BRAVO!)BASKETBALL- Some good NBA players get completely worked by international teams. "I don't get it, on the streets people try to dunk, yet here all they do is make three pointers. Its not fair" LeBron James would have said if he was completely truthful to the media. To those who think black basketball players are the best in the world (Larry Bird!) you might wanna check out a game or two and realize small fast white people can do some real damage on the hardwood. (4 AM est. on SHOWTIME)EQUESTRIAN- That's like" horse's n' shit, right? (5PM est on MTV2)GYMNASTICS- That's like " humans n' shit, right? (All the time on Game Show Network)MODERN PENTATHALON"" Don't confuse this with the ancient pentathlon, you track n' field rookies, you! Whats the difference? Well, the modern pentathlon includes Javelin, High Jump, Long Jump, Hurdles, and 100m Dash, and the Ancient Pentathlon included Javelin, High Jump, Long Jump, Hurdles, and beating your slave with a stick followed by a Greco roman orgy. I for one, prefer the ancient. (4:30AM est. on Oxygen)SHOOTING- I feel really bad giving medals to people who can gun down clay Frisbees, but hey, take it up with the International Olympic Committee right!? Ha Ha Ha!!! No seriously: International Olympic Committee, Chateau de Vidy, 1007 Lausanne, Swizerland. (6PM est. on TELEMUNDO)SWIMMING- Michael Phelps this, Ian Thorpe that. It's a little hard for me to consider anything a sport in which dolphins could easily win a gold medal if they competed. Which is why I don't watch Judo. (ain't that a silly visual! Go ahead! Think about it!) (9PM est. on VH1 Classics)TABLE TENNIS- By far the coolest sport to watch. Its like "The Matrix" meets "Asian People." And get this, there's ACTUALLY a player named FORREST GUMP competing! No Joke! Seriously! Just Kidding! (8AM est. on BET)TRACK & FIELD- Track is cool, but field is a little overrated. Think of track like that cool guy in your class, who sorta wears button down shirts and jeans with flip flops. Ya know? So he's like" kinda smooth with the ladies. Some chicks are all like "Hey where's track? Is he sick today?" and you're all "Nah he aint sick" just so you can pretend to be closer friends with track, but in fact you don't even know him. And Field, he's like a foreign exchange student. Ya' digs? (4PM est. on HGTV)WEIGHT LIFTING- Probably the most primitive sport in the Olympics. I mean, since the dawn of time people have been lifting stuff. Talk about stripping a sport down to its completely bare skeleton. "Alright, fuck rules, and teams, and a ball, all you gotta do is" Lift that." The more you lift, the better your chances are at getting this gold disc medal thing. Oh, and for the rest of your life you'll just be a completely stubby ox of a human being who is probably incapable of having a tender moment with anybody of the opposite sex because even a display of affection as sensitive as a hug may lead to you completely squeezing your mate to death. But at least you were able to lift 500 pounds worth of weight over your head! I hate you dad! YOU never loved me OR made an effort to see me! YOUR ONLY SON WAS YOUR BRONZE MEDAL IN THE '92 GAMES!!!! (8PM est on Turner Classic Movies)
If you're a CH article junkie, today is your day. Aaron Karo has a new column out today so check that out. As does Eric Wang and Dean Camp. And last but not least, Steve has a new column out today as well as some promo commercials he made that you can check out at the bottom of this page.Big-ups Ali G style to Double Agent and Axe for sponsoring this update. They've got a list of ten places where girls like to be touched right here. So go learn how to develop your mojo and when you're finished, hit up these hotlinks.