I'm an incoming freshman this year, and I've come to learn that my roommate will not be a fellow classmate. Rather, a junior biochem major. What am I to do?
What, you don't address me? Just send me an e-mail with no "Dear Joe" or "My Dearest Joe" or "Joe, The Coolest Guy in the World Who Totally Banged My Sister"? Fine. See if I answer you. Wait, I'm answering you now. Oh, you're good Sean. Real good.
So you want to know what you can do about your biochem junior roommate? Well, you have several options. You can
a) Whine about it
b) Write a letter to an internet advice columnist who would rather
make fun of you than give you any actual advice
c) Suck it up and realize that this is the smallest problem you
will ever have, you over-sensitive, expect-every-thing-to-be-perfect spoiled little suburbanite douchebag. What's the big deal? The guy is two years older than you and takes different classes. So what? You expected a roommate that you can do homework with and schedule your classes around and IM funny little private jokes across the room while the rest of your hall watches, filled with jealousy over your platonic man-love? Buy a "My Buddy" doll and leave me out of it.
And since you've already done a & b, I'd recommend c.
Okay, maybe that was too harsh. I'm sorry. It's just been a while since I've answered a letter and I released all my pent up aggression on poor Sean here. I apologize, really. In fact, I'm going to start a fund for Sean. Send your contributions to the "Sean is Afraid of His Roommate Fund," care of CollegeHumor.com, 123 Whiney-Complainer Rd., Douchebag CA, 90210.
Thanks for writing. This was Joe College saying, "What, you thought I was actually sorry?"
I live with 5 other girls at school. Two of them are really rude and always talk about me behind me back. Since we only have a few weeks left until summer I decided to start messing all their stuff up and then tell them off on the last day. I have tried being nice all year but they are mean anyway! So far all I have done is mush up their sandwiches and break their popsicles in half. Oh and I threw away some of their shampoo and silverware too. Do you have any advice or good ideas to help me make the end of their semester miserable?
The Popsicle Snapper in South Carolina
Dear Popsicle Snapper,
Hmmm. What could I suggest that could possibly top breaking their popsicles? See, this is why we haven't had a woman president yet. Because if you were a guy, you'd have put glue in their shampoo instead of throwing it out, and you'd have peed on their frozen food months ago. I'm not saying you should do that, I'm just saying I would.
Got a question about an aspect of college life? Want to be made fun of? Then this is the place for you! Send all your college-related questions to joecollege AT observationalhumor DOT com.
Steve (not Joe College) has a new column up called "The Blind Dating the Blind" (not by Joe College).
A quick plug If you and/or your friends do crazy shit, submit it to Totally Outrageous Behavior on FOX. They're collecting videos right now via that website and they pay at least $500 if it airs. Now, hot hot hotlinks