Hey guys. It's Amir again. I know you only allot yourself fifteen minutes a day to read these updates so I shall be curt. Actually, its funny you should mention being curt, because this update is about just that. Its about getting to the point. Being intellectually punctual. Eliminating verbal wandering. Being terse. Brevity. Each sentence grows increasingly shorter to prove a point, people! Allow me to explain.
I find it ironic that some people, myself included, spend endless hours online INSTANT messaging. I mean, if it were truly INSTANT then even an infinite amount of messages would not even amount to anything longer than a nano second. And I feel it could be that way if we just took a few minutes today and learned some of my patented conversation shorteners. I mean, look how successful "LOL" and "BRB" have become. But why stop there!? Check out this guide to having a faster conversation and shaving minutes, even millennia off your lifetime.
HWU: Hey Whats Up- Do you really want to waste your time pounding key after key to form a full coherent sentence when all you need is three measly letters? I can type "HWU" with my face if I wanted to. But I don't. So I won't. Hey you gonna eat that sandwich?
YKM.YFKM: Youre kidding me. You're fucking kidding me!- How often do you get "instant" messages about something unexpected? Whether it be about a circumcision or a parking ticket or a death in the family, "YKM.YFKM" is useful probably on an hourly basis. The only thing more important then this acronym is "HWU" and possibly the air you breathe.
NWDYDT: No way dude! YOU drink that.- I don't know how many games of monopoly I would be able to complete in my spare time, if people simply understood this abbreviation and I didn't have to type out that sentence EVERY SINGLE TIME I used it. It's like, I'm ready to take your hand in mine and walk side-by-side into a new era and you are busy bumbling like a fool! Learn this acronym. Please.
NE,EF: Nice Emoticon! Emoticon-Face!- We've all been there. You are having a nice little conversation then youre loved one hits you with an inane smiley, or the preposterous frowny, or the oft-ever-present "my lips are sealed." But today is not like every other day. Today you've prepared a quickie comeback of thunderous proportions. When you whip out "Nice Emoticon! Emoticon-Face!" heads will turn faster than watching the audience at the Daytona 500 on a time lapse camera while turning heads.
ITACCIYFOAYJHTSM: Is that a crop circle in your field? Or are you just happy to see me!- Impress that alien-lover crush of yours with this flirtatious yet intriguing pick up line. The truth, is out there" pointing at your vagina
CYSMSOCNYDIYW: Can You see my shoes!? Of course not, YOU didn't install your webcam- Sock it to that lazy friend of yours who's "Hanukkah" gift is still in its fucking box. Why did you SPECIFICALLY ask me for a Logitech cam if you weren't even going to take the time to read how to install it! What do you mean you don't understand the wiring!? ITS USB! ITS FUCKING USB! Is your KEYBOARD WORKING, because that's the same exact "complex wiring" that it takes to run that cam! You know what!? I can't do this now. I'm writing an article. I mean it, I will call you when I'm done. Why are you doing this to me right now? Do you LIKE seeing me fail? Do you fucking like watching me whither away and socially die in front of thousands of college kids??
ME embarrassed? Why should I be embarrassed?!? If anybody is being embarrassed its you. Listen, honey, I promise you, when all is said and done, you will be the one that's ashamed. Why?! Because IM Not the one interrupting anybody, and IM not the one who made out with my BEST FRIEND at my dog's funeral. Oh I'm sorry, was I not supposed to mention that?! WELL FUCKING DEAL WITH IT! BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, EVERY EFFING DAY OF MY LIFE. That's right walk away! Because that's the only way you know how to deal with things!! OH AND REMEMBER!!! THAT PINT OF BEN N' JERRY'S IS JUST ICE CREAM! IT ISNT LOVE! Call me!
Gosh, that was rude.
Thanks to the Maxim and Stuff for $10 guys for sponsoring this update. Now here are some hotlinks, fuckers.