Late one summer night, while most of America slept atop their blankets to avoid being any warmer then they already were, I stumbled upon something staggering. On a new moon, with the glow of my monitor being the only source of light in my entire house I was suddenly enveloped by a website who's importance grew with every passing line of text I read. This "online journal" of sorts was completely enthralling to me because the last entry was dated June 5, 1968, a year in which most of us had never even heard of the internet let alone knew how to run a diary for the whole world to see. Its funny reading internet sites that predate DSL, there's such an unadulterated innocence about it all that makes you yearn for the days of 2400 baud connections. The entries were cryptic but I soon pieced together enough clues to realize the importance of what I was perusing. I had stumbled onto Michael Moore's blog when he was just 14 years old! I would just link you guys to the site right now and let you have at it, but I'm a dick like that. Instead, here are some choice passages that make you really think "Wow, I can't believe this is the same Kool-Aid talking bowl of punch look alike that single handedly Bowled for Columbine and did that other movie about that president guy who golfs."
January 7, 1967: Mom made pie today! Two Kinds! I ate them both without chewing once! Dad said if I don't watch out I'll break 300 pounds by spring. I told him "yeah, break 300 pounds of YOU! OVER MY FUCKING KNEE!" Okay I didn't really say that, I just thought of it now, but oh boy! That would have been sweet! Sweeter than two pies. Hmm, time for me to go to sleep, I'm super tired. Oh, I also might wanna make a documentary about the state of Gun-happiness in America when I grow older. But who knows right!?
Ps dad said he'll get me that toy tractor soon.
May 4, 1967: Dad was right, I weigh well over 300 pounds. But I'm almost 14 years old! I can't help it if I eat bacon in between meals to cleanse my pallet! Billy bet me three marbles I couldn't eat a jug of butter before his mom got home. So I did. Then to show off, I ate the marbles. Seriously though, if people think that the government isn't systematically using the media to propogate a culture of fear in America just to quell any intellectual uprising, then we're more ignorant than those lousy French think. The butter made me gassy. I think I need a pop tart before beddy bye bye. See ya soon online journal!
September 19, 1967: My heart hasn't beat in 14 hours, I'm getting scared.
September 20, 1967: Okay there it goes again. Ha ha ha, I so shoulda died right now, you have NO idea!
December 19, 1967: Roger and Me went to the mall today. I bought an atlas and four ears of corn. Roger tried stabbing me in the face and neck with his swiss army knife but he couldn't get through to anything meaty. Dad said the fat around my head is dangerous, but so far its only saved my life. Fahrenheit 9/11 is gonna shatter box office records I just feel it. Leonardo DiCaprio said its one of the most important movies he's ever seen. I have no respect for time or date. I think I finally pooped those marbles. Its super cold outside. Mary held my hand during art class today and it felt nice. I can't wait for X-mas. See ya soon online journal!
June 5, 1968: Minnie forwarded me this questionnaire dealy, so I'm gonna post the answers here. Some are kinda funny.
Favorite Food: Gravy
If you were on a desert island and" : Gravy
Favorite Movie: Krippendorfs Tribe
Who was the last person that called you: Phones haven't been invented yet.
Who was the last person you called: My mom.
In five years I will be: A doo doo head! (Hey I didn't write that!)
Okay, this will probably be my last entry because I fear the Nazi's have taken over my entire city. Mother says we mustn't move much for fear of them finding us. Franz said I looked hungry and he gave me a morsel of his daily ration of bread. Family has never meant so much to me as it does now. I love you diary, and I hope I can write in you soon.
That was the last entry folks. Pretty gripping stuff huh? On a lighter note, I rarely receive any feedback for these articles I write, so if you have any questions/comments I await them eagerly. Just email: AmirBlumenfeld@gmail.com and I shall try to respond to every one!
Now for some links to match the weather: HOT HOT HOT (like this t-shirt!).