Hey America, it's your beat correspondent Amir Blumenfeld. Summer is in full swing and I've been keeping my ear to the street and my eye on the ball. Metaphors aside, my knowledge of entertainment gossip is like Paris Hilton exiting a voting booth: completely ridiculous. Simile's aside, I've learned a lot about the entertainment world and here's a run down of everything you need to know to stay on the cutting edge. Bring these up at your next dinner party and your great aunt will be impressed (dead or alive).
Jay Z updates his list, and a bitch is now one of his 99 problems: That's right. In early July, rap mogul Jay-Z (known as Jason Zavronsky to his yeshiva bible circle) made it clear to several of his closest friends, that while he still has 99 problems, a bitch is now one of them. Though my sources don't tell me exactly which problem it is, I can only assume its "Problem 78." Because" well" I think we know his first 77 problems! * Obviously Laughter *
Michael Moore releases Fahrenheit 9/11 in Europe as "Celsius 4/88.333": After realizing that movie titles that make little sense, make little cents, Michael Moore changes the title of his Documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11" to something less America-Centric for its European release. Audiences throughout this "wacky continent" have even more trouble understanding the title because no terrorist event occurred on April 88th point three-three repeating. But with Osama bin Laden still alive and kicking, don't take ANYTHING for granted. I gave this movie my highest rating ever: Two Stars.
Lindsay Lohan gets married and divorced in the same nano second: Afraid of being outdone by her Pop-Diva counterpart Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan got married to her life time best friend and back up dancer Martin Luther King Jr. (no relation). Then, due to specific scientific innovation, developed by NASA for black people (FUBN), she was instantly divorced by a minister that was located on a pulpit that was located on a microchip. The future is here. Today.
P. Diddy Pees Ditty: Hip Hop sensation Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs whistled Dixie with his urethra today, sources say, in his Hampton's estate. Though nobody heard the whistling, I for one am not going to be the lone naysayer to this claim. Puffy has never steered the media wrong, and there's no reason for him to start today. It's better to start believing these stories America, nobody likes a skeptic.
Regis Philbin's sordid past becomes untangled, his full name is "Register.com Philbin": In a stunning twist to an already epic saga, Regis Philbin finally came out of the historical closet today and admitted to his fans that his first name isn't actually "Regis," but rather "Register.com." Regis stood teary eyed at a podium and exclaimed "I was not raised by Irish immigrants, I was actually raised by three domain names." ABC Executives have not commented on how much this information will affect their upcoming Television Special "Who Wants to be a Billionaire" which is due out during November sweeps.
That's the news for now, people. Stay tuned for more entertainment gossip at :12 and :42 past the hour, every hour. Speaking of twelve minutes past the hour, check out these hotlinks! Ouch! They sure are hot!
BTW, this update has been sponsored by MagazinesForCheap (a year of Maxim and Stuff for $10) and your mother! SNAPS!