Welcome, my esteemed colleagues. I am here to share with you my amazing discoveries in the field of collegiate species research. I have spent three years in the field collecting research on the inhabitants of this most strange environment known as college. In this time I have observed many different specie, all in their natural habitat. It is with great pleasure that I report my findings to you.
Bent-Brimmed Fratapus- This particular species may be the most common of the male species I observed. It seems that, as an identification method, the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus will always wear his signature white hat. This particular hat will have his college's moniker blazoned across the front and will almost certainly have a bent "brim." This species is highly social and I found, through countless nights in its habitat, that the Bent -Brimmed Fratapus is most comfortable in situations where alcohol is present. They can be observed "beer bonging" and "keg standing" with their peers. However, while the Fratapus is often seen at bars and parties, they are rarely observed in class. When approached by other members of the species, the Fratapus will usually pair off and perform a gesture known as a "hetero-hug" (see "New Words" issue for definition).
Commutersaurus Rex- The commutersaurus is one of the most numerous species I observed in my research. However, this particular species was only visible during the daylight hours. After dark, like lemmings, they fled for their cars and swiftly drove off "campus." They do not tend to socialize with the other species on this list and instead attend their own functions at their own "lounge." I advise that one be careful when attempting to contact the Commutersaurus, as they will certainly be jealous of your "residential" status.
Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark- A somewhat numerous species at most "campuses," but relatively fickle in their ways, the Guitardvark is truly a native specie of the "campus." Never without its trusty acoustic guitar, the guitardvark roams from location to location on "campus" singing its mating call and strumming its instrument. The most common of it's mating calls include "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and "Stir it up" also by Bob Marley. The Guitardvark will attract other specie with its sweet tones. However, the Guitardvark is a seasonal animal. It can only be observed outdoors in early September and late April and May. Note: The Guitardvark is often seen with its companion species, the BongoDrumadactyl
FlipFlopadocus- A distant cousin of the Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark, the FlipFlopadocus is known for its ability to wear a sandal, know commonly as a "flip flop" in any type of weather. It seems the soles of the FlipFlopadocus' feet have become temperature resistant through years and years of exposure to the elements. It is most commonly seen strolling into class 30 minutes late and lounging around on the "quad." When confronted about its ability to endure the worst cold in uncovered feet, the FlipFlopadocus will usually respond with a relaxed "whatever."
TwoBeer Queerwig- This species, like the chameleon, is a shape-shifter species. From all outward appearances, the TwoBeer Queerwig can look like any other species. However, after consuming a small amount of alcohol, this species will reveal its true nature. Often seen vomiting in a corner or hanging listlessly on the shoulder of a friend, the Queerwig is only known for its ability not to be able to hold alcohol. Other, superior species will often show their dominance over the Queerwig by "shaming" them with face markings when the Queerwig "passes out."
White-Skinned Dreadlockust- Considered almost as hilarious as the Queerwig, the White-Skinned Dreadlockust spends most of its day scratching at the unsightly pile of mangled hair on its head. The hair is arranged in such a way as to resemble fecal matter and is often seen adorned with beads, braids, or a big, floppy hat. Often, the Dreadlockust will cover its body in animal-themed tie-dye and pants that "I totally made myself out of old potato sacks, dude." Related species: The Hippopotheadamus.
Student-Athleech- In the same genus as the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus, the Student-Athleech is of a large composure. The Athleech eats a protein rich diet making it physically superior to all other species, but mentally incapable. Due to this, the Athleech can regularly be observed looking confused and perplexed in "class." However, while the Athleech may be inferior in an intellectual environment, they are superior on the "field" or "court." Herds of Athleeches can be seen gathering for intense physical exercise on these "fields" almost daily. The Athleech adorns its muscular body with the trappings of its "team" (usually loose-fitting, college-themed "sweatsuits") and designer "sneakers." Other species are often jealous of the Athleech for its ability to enroll in the easiest "classes" and do the least amount of "work."
Orange Spotted Woodsucker- Considered a prize by the male population of the "campus," this species is all female. One can easily be identified by their strange skin coloring; slightly brown with orange patches. This is a product of the specie's unrelenting desire to tan themselves artificially to achieve a "base coat." The woodsucker is also known around the "campus" to provide a certain sexual act on the male inhabitants known locally as "head." They can often be seen wearing small shirts and skirts, usually with some sort of testimony about themselves (e.g. Party Gurrrrl, Sexy, Little Bitch, etc" ). The tight-fitting, revealing nature of the Woodsucker's clothing is intended to broadcast its superior abs to all other female species. WARNING: Do not approach unless prepared to buy them a drink.
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