School is winding down faster than Dave Chappelle can come up with his next Rick James joke. Beer is being consumed faster than the speed of sound, and a trend is growing on campuses across the nation.
It's happened to you or someone you know. What begins as a quest to drink your weight in Natty and hook up with that one special lady usually ends passed out on a couch. And that's why man invented Sharpies.
Before we delve any further into this pressing issue, I'd like to step up to the plate and be the first to set up some official ground rules for this game of chance. So here it is, the official Collegiate Rule Book for Face Marking.
Rule 1: If you are too drunk to take your shoes off before passing out, the game is afoot. No questions asked.
Rule 1a: If you obtained a Pass Out card after leaving a football game to go back to your tailgate and beer bong jungle juice, Rule 1 no longer applies. If the Pass Out card is visible, leave him as he was.
Rule 2: Make sure the person is passed out first. If awake, proceed marking with extreme caution. If whiskey was involved at any point during drinking, the passer out might be a little feisty. Also judge how bad you could get your ass kicked if he is sober enough to know what is going on. If the passer out is a little bitch, and awake, there is to be no holding back. Trust me on this one, I've been a victim on more than one occasion.
Rule 3: If marking is now permissible, first go for the face. Eyelids must be drawn on to look like the person is awake, ears must be colored in and the male genitalia must make an appearance. This might seem like third grade material, but the rules must be stated.
Rule 3a: The only exception to Rule 3 is the full face coloring. There will be no arguing. The only thing funnier than balls on your buddies face is seeing him look in the mirror the next morning to find out his face is completely red.
Rule 4: Now that the face has been taken care of, move to the chest, arms and legs. There are really no ground rules here, but be careful when signing your name. This can be key in preventing any hostility between friends. But once again, the bitch rule comes into effect and every measure should be taken knowing that he won't do anything about it except wash it off, start boozing and prepare himself for another round of marking.
Depending on the level of drunkenness, stay away from writing the pubic region. The only exception here is if the person had been on a marathon drinking binge, say chugging liquor directly from the bottle. In this case, the dumbass had it coming.
Rule 4b:When writing on someone's crotch, NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES invite a girl to join in. This is very important, as I've heard some horror stories about this happening. I even heard this conversation over Spring Break.
Girl: Do you remember the last time you were written on?
Girl: Oh yeah, you were pretty drunk. Well, I wasn't going to tell you this,
but I wrote on your crotch.
Guy: (Speechless, whips out a lighter and proceeds to set himself on fire)
Funny, definitely. But no man, regardless of stature or bitch level should
have to go through such a traumatic experience.
Rule 5: Hide all mirrors. When passed out individual wakes up, tell him that he has an intramural game in five minutes. Drive him to the recreational center (but don 't let him look in a mirror) and laugh hysterically as half of his campus realizes what a pathetic individual he is. But, once again, do this only if he really is a little bitch.
These rules aren't to be taken lightly. This is a serious game that can turn into a deadly game of Russian Roulette if these guidelines aren't followed. And to the little bitches of the world, this can be a lesson to you. Maybe you should think before bonging an entire Colt 45. I know I will.
Oh, we should mention that if anybody is on Orkut (Google's hot new version of Friendster) yet, you should join the CH community we have set up there. Also, be sure to check out our sponsor MobWar, where you can finally be a ninja OR a hooker. Cool shit. Anyway, also check out these hotlinks, which aren't as fun as hookers, but then again, don't cost you anything and are less likely to give you pelvic inflammlatory disease.