This time of year is cool. People are back from their vacations to Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, and the Bahamas. While in these places similar to walking in a winter wonderland, they met pistol friendly guys named Joe to whom they would say, "Hey Joe! Where you going with that gun in your hand?" Joe would have none of this and retort back, "Hey you! Get off of my cloud." Nobody knew what cloud Joe was actually referring to.

You tried to get back into the college groove, wanting to go to a party in the county jail. When you called up all your friends though, nobody was home, they were all out walking into spider webs. Since then you've been bored out of your mind and as a result, masturbation has lost its fun and you're fucking lazy.

Eventually your friends call you back and since you're not at your house yet you say, "come through my window, I'll be home soon." Once there, you decide to bake cookies. You didn't have all the ingredients though so you went next door and were like, "I'm sorry Miss Jackson, but could you please lend me some sugar. After all, I am your neighbor." Jackson, noticing your weight gain replied, "ok, BigBoi." You then decide to not use the ingredient for your cookies and instead tell your friend to pour some sugar on you.

Back at the Bar None Dude Ranch, you resolve to forego the rest of school and rock and roll every night, while somehow still having enough spare change to party, and everyday at that. Parties are cool. There it's easy to defy people by claiming that you can dance if you want to. You could also cry if you wanted to, assuming it was your party. Parties are also a lovely place to engage in trade. One could easily barter indo, gin, AND juice for a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedillydee!

Blech who the hell cares anyways. Soon school will be out for summer.

1. We're looking for stories on the fastest breakdowns of any parties. If you or your friend's fraternity or church group can turn a raging party into an innocent study session a minute after the cops pull up, e-mail us.

2. We have the winners of the RealStupidNews writers contest. 1st prize ($250) goes to Christie Barger from the University of Georgia for her article "Condoms-4-Kids a Raging Success at Toys-R-Us." Second and third place went to Wendy Price and Luke Bonnema, respectabably.

3. Matt has a new issue of "Ah College" out today called Rock the Apathy 2004."" So check that out, and here are some hotlinks for your clicking pleasure.