You guys don't know this, but the main few people that run Collegehumor.com live in a house together. Now, I don't "live in that house" per se, but sometimes they invite me over to play cards and vacuum. Last week I was there, and they asked me to clean their attic. (A Tee Tee I See, indeed!) I figured, what the hell, I'm already dusting their computers, I might as well poke around up there and organize!

However, I never expected to find what I did! Under a box titled "OUR FAKE DIPLOMAS" was a Collegehumor.com update written in 1919 on Parchment by a Phinnegan T. Binnyworth. It was preserved almost in its original state by tree sap for some reason. After hours of excavating I folded this manuscript up and ran home immediately. So here, in its first public reading, is Phinnegan T. Binnyworth's 1919 Collegehumor.com update entitled: The Gilded Age? What a load of Buttermilk!

Well the war is finally over, and I could not be happier! Why? Because its time to finally Cotillion! The waltzing! The Root Marm! The lollygagging! The Quagglepussing! If only T.S. Eliot were famous yet, he would put to words what many collegiate studentry's could only hope to witness with their own eyes! But most college kids don't know how to throw a proper cotillion! (FOR SHAME!) Well that's why I'm here. Here are Phinnegans four rules to a presentable party!

1) The Ladies: When choosing which females to invite, there is no greater indicator than the size of her hips. Make sure all hips at your box social are wide enough to bear offspring. There is no point in holding hands with your sweet heart if her pelvic bones aren't wide enough to give birth to your junior. Also, no harlots. Nobody fancies a lady who hugs before the ninth date, it's simply uncalled for. Also, I'm British.

2) The Drinks: Egg Nog, Milk Nog, Fruit Nog, really anything Nog based will do. A party without Nog is like a princess without frog. Make sure nothing alcoholic is served, prohibition is right around the corner and you don't want to be the one rotten seed, this isn't Austrio-Hungary remember?

3) The Music: Silence. Music is for negroes. If a party is really buzzing, the conversations create a certain din that's almost rhythmic. I say almost rhythmic because rhythm is for negroes.

4) The Attire: Black tuxedos are for the gymnasium. In order to make your party a truly collegiate and formal affair everybody needs to arrive in 9 piece suits, even the nog. Hat, Monacle, Binocular on a stick, Shirt, Coat, Coattails (of gentlemanly length no doubt), Pantaloons, Pantaloon warmers, and wooden shoes. Women should wear similar fare as they would to the stomping grounds, minus the candied yams of course haughty laughter

Please, do not gloss over those four rules. Nothing follows a Great War quite like a Great Party. We must sieze the day! Because we left those Germans with so little, who knows when the next World War is going to be! I'm off to find a printing press. Good day. Oh and enjoy these presumably linkable hotlinks, though I don't know what electricity, computers, websites, nor hyperlinks are.

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