Holy fucking bananas! The next presidential election is near, and America is counting on YOU DUDES to vote for the best man (or woman!) for the job. Since we already know all the dirt on our current prez, we figured it was only fair to share some intriguing information about the Democratics, too. But since CollegeHumor readers are here to have fun, not learn about some rich white assholes, we've hidden A LIE somewhere in this update. See if you can spot it!
A former Viet Cong guerilla sniper, "Charlie" Kerry was ostracized from the political community following his failed assassination attempt on George W. Bush on September 10th, 2001. A relentless crusader for consumer rights and state-sponsored eugenics, Kerry holds substantial promise as the Democratic front-runner. During his eight-month stay at Yale University, Kerry attended no classes but claims he "built fax machines" while eating "as much LSD as I could fit in my mouth." If elected, Kerry promises to release an AIDS cure he claims to have developed and to "stop making so many preposterous claims."
Kerry is an excellent driver and always stops at stop signs. He impressed young voters last week when he announced that the song "Who Let The Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men was "a mistake." Kerry prefers Yahoo! Mail over Hotmail because it offers better spam protection and a whopping 4mb of disk space. Democratic candidate John Kerry believes that all poor people should be thrown into a huge pit and that gay couples seeking legal marriage "ought to be drowned."
The only candidate to have been circumsized more than once, John Edwards spent most of his late teens recovering from a botched marriage to Nutella heiress Teresa Watson. The high-profile divorce became famous when Watson was accused of impregnating herself with the couple's used condoms, which Edwards would notoriously cram into his anus following intercourse. In 1985, Edwards was accused of fatally stabbing an entire black family to death on a Manhattan bus, but was acquitted due to an "avalanche of evidence". If elected, Edwards will push for universal healthcare and better schools.
"Cheesecake, dick, and mushrooms," said Edwards in a 2002 speech at Columbia University, " these are things I want you to put inside of me." Edwards was probably referring to psilocybin mushrooms because he delivered the speech to a vending machine. John Edwards is an attractive man. If he asks to put it in your butt, you should say yes when it comes to throwing it in the ol' pooper, John Edwards is stoic, gentle, and manly.
Dubbed "The Queen of Fuck" by the vegan community, Dennis "Coochie" Kucinich never had any chance of winning anything, but is a genuinely adorable little trooper. He works hard at a Bertucci's in Towson, Maryland where he keeps the floor real clean. Dennis is 16 years old and doesn't have pubes yet. If elected, he promises to grow them. When Dennis stares at a mirror he begins to sweat and curse, and sometimes gets so upset at his reflection that he tries to smash it with his mop.
Dennis does not like Sushi, DiGiorno's pizza, baseball cards, Urban Outfitters, germs, Sprint PCS, and any Nas album except Illmatic. His favorite part of 50 Cent's song "Magic Stick" is when Eminem makes that "huuuuuUUUUUPPP!!" sound in the background. Dennis does like hamburgers, magazines, and french fries. He likes getting dropped off at the mall because they have good pretzels.
Born on both April Fools' Day and Friday the 13th, Clark is the only Jewish candidate to publicly decry the war in Iraq. Close friends say that he has been emotionally unstable following the breakup of the rap band OutKast. A CNN Gallup poll of teenagers 13-19 found that relatively few would like to be buried inside a coffin with Clark. Clark's favorite TV shows are Alias and The West Wing, which reminds him of a tour he once took of The White House. Incredibly, he has been making mullet jokes since 1996 (!) and throwing The Shocker with his friends since 1993.
A few months ago, while visiting his friend Josh in San Diego, Wesley Clark found a huge bag of weed on the ground. Neither of them thought it was pot at first because why the fuck would someone leave that on the ground? But it turned out to be pretty good stuff, and Josh got really good at rolling blunts. Because they had come across the weed so easily, they had no reason to be stingy with it, so they and all their friends smoked the entire bag within about a week pretty quick for almost three eights. Clark opposes federal deciminalization of marijuana for medicinal or recreational purposes and calls the San Diego incident "a youthful indiscretion."
Howard's Dean's favorite TV show is Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, but he finds the show's gay characters "troubling." Although rumors indicate that Dean has dropped out of the race, many pundits expect him to make good on his lifelong goal to "trample the Christians, flog the Jews, and jail the Muslims." Dean hopes to cut our nation's Homeland Security budget by 100%, urging America that "terrorism's over."
According to his wife, Judy, when 2004 Democratic candidate Howard Dean is approaching climax during intercourse, he makes "spaceship noises." Judy also claims that John Kerry "sounds like the Tazmanian devil" and that John Edwards tries to do a countdown from ten, but always blows his load by "FIVE" even though he uses Durex Performa condoms with a special anaesthetic lubricant.
You really should register to vote soon, rather than waiting until the day before the election like I did in 2000 ("I can't believe Nader lost!"). If you can't decide what party to vote for, just recall this simple rhyme:
All Democrats are Communists
All Republicans are Nazis
1. A word from a sponsor. Ya know that mega-hot girl from Old School and 24? Did you know that you can now stare at her for an hour and a half for only $7.50? Yep, go see Girl Next Door.
2. Steve has a new column out today called "Another Night Not at the Movies"and so does Dean, who has a new column called "That Looks Like It Needs Some Ice, Ice Baby" so go check those out. So hit up those for sure.
3. And now, HOTLINKS! I'm gonna vote for the fifth one down.