Joe Dawg,

What's up man. I'm in a bit of a quandry here. I'm studying overseas right now and during the first week met a few cute local girls. Being your typical college dude, I hooked up with the first one that jumped in my lap. Problem is that her friend's is much hotter, and I want a piece of that, but the other girl kinda thinks we're dating already. So Joe College, lend me some wisdom on how I can score her friend while keeping the other girl around the block as well.

Sincerely,
In need of a game plan


In need of a game plan dawg,

I find it hard to believe that you're being completely honest with me. Your email came from an NYU address. Local GIRLS, huh? I know better. Talk to me, In Need of a Game Plan Dawg. I won't judge you.

But you do pose a good question, and I will answer it for the benefit of all of my readers actually interested in girls. The friend switch is tough – but do not be discouraged because it IS possible. Right now, you are off limits for her friend. And if there's one thing we know about girls is that they like guys who are off limits. If there are two things, the other is that they will gladly ruin a friendship to get a guy. They'll repair the friendship and ditch the guy a few weeks later, but you're leaving the country, so what do you care?

You being off limits, you can safely flirt with girl #2 because you're "taken." In the meantime, let things fizzle with girl #1. Don't be a dick – just be boring. She can't hate you for being boring, and if girl #2 finds you interesting, girl #1 will say, "I don't know why you want him, but you can have him." Though she'll probably say it in some foreign language. And then one day all three of you will get drunk and it's go time.

Dear Joe College,

My friend and I have been having a debate and I was wondering if you, in all your wise wisdom, could settle it for us. He insists that a straight male cannot have an attractive female friend and not want to bang her. I insist that…well, really I don't insist anything because what the hell do I know about how guys think? I kind of hope that he's right, as I have a guy friend who I'd quite enjoy hooking up with.

Cara


Dear Cara,

Wow, your friend's theory is brilliant. It sums up everything guys have ever been thinking, except no one has put it to words before. Except in When Harry Met Sally, when it was the central theme and the characters talked about it half a dozen times. But aside from that, your friend is brilliant and super original. That aside, it sounds like you guys are having a crappy debate.

Him: "a straight male cannot have an attractive female friend and not want to bang her."
You: "okay"

Sounds scintillating.

But it is true. Guys like hot girls. But remember – hotness also depends, albeit slightly, on personality. If a guy has a hot friend who is a vapid bitch, he still wants to bang her. But only once, because you gotta draw the line somewhere.

In conclusion, yes he does want to bang you. How do I know? Well, if you think he's smart for stealing a theory from a movie, you're probably not that quick yourself. And if you're not that quick, you had to get through life somehow, so you're probably hot. At least you better be. Otherwise I'd put on that McDonalds nametag and get to work.

Thanks for writing. This was Joe College saying, "I'd like to supersize that."

Got a question about an aspect of college life? Want to be made fun of? Then this is the place for you! Send all your college-related questions to joecollege AT observationalhumor DOT com.

A few things.

1) Meg has a new issue of Suite Confessions out today called "One foot in the real world, one foot in happy hour" which you can get here.
2) New Observational Humor column out today called "To Write A Wrong" So check out that too.
3) Keep watching the Fuse network's IMX show all this week live from 6-7pm ET. Our friend Chris is hosting and we've got our own segment on it called "Douchebag of the Day." And then, do us a huge favor and e-mail them at this address- fuseinfo@fuse.tv and tell them that you like Chris as the new IMX host this week. Gracias, friends.
4) And finally, our friend Kyle is doing a site for Indie/Garage bands. So if you're in one, check it out here.

Now clickety clack these hotlinks.