A lot of people think that watching TV on Super Bowl Sunday is a lot like the democratic process in one of those countries we should probably be bombing: no choice. But, in an effort to enlighten you unwashed masses, we conducted a comparative study, with Ethan watching the Super Bowl and Amir watching other programming and reporting back every half hour. Shall we follow their progress?3:30 P.M.Ethan: Short kickoff to Rod "He Hate Me" Smart, who has gotten the most undeserved press due to a nickname since William Howard "I Ate You" Taft was President.Amir: Full House:Michelle (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) buys a donkey with the money she makes selling lemonade. Thats right, mary kate and ashley OLSEN, and their ASS! Sure it's just a pun, but its better then the LAME opening to a football game that won't be over in what seems like FOREVER!Ethan: Point, Amir.Amir: We'll just do the scoring arbitrarily.4:00 P.M.Amir: On CNBC is Kudlow and Cramer, or as I like to call them, a modern day LAUREL and HARDY! Watch your friends LOL over this biting political satire. I just hope you guy's DIDNT buy batteries for the remote control, because there will be ZERO channel surfing during this banterriffic tour-de-farts.Ethan: I don't know what my "colleague" is "talking about" because if you weren't watching the game, you missed some great defensive stands by both teams. Of course, this was only interesting to the eight Americans who were actually tuning in to watch a football game. And is this a celebrity spotting? I think I saw Paris Hilton stare at the camera with raccoon eyes and dreamily say, "Hi" in a voice that told you EXACTLY who stole the barbiturates from the cookie jar!4:30 P.M.Ethan: Wow, do you like laughing? Because I do! And these CBS promo spots are making me laugh! Who doesn't love Raymond? Not me! His parents are OLD! And his brother is MILDLY RETARDED! And on CSI, more people keep getting KILLED! This time, by VAMPIRES! The best thing about this gritty crime drama is its poignant realism. And its vampires.Amir: In a brilliant media move, Bravo airs QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY marathon. Since the only people who don't watch the superbowl are gay (evidently), this seemed like the only viable option. Oh, and as for the show itself, I think they like, decorated stuff or something, it was pretty gay.5:00 P.M.Amir: There's a super duper Super Bowl alternative on FOX! Watch these grown men battle it out ON THE FIELD in this epic, what can only be described as
oh wait. This is CBS, I was in fact describing the super bowl. It was okay.Ethan: I saw a preview for Troy with Brad Pitt, but the real battle is going on here, Amir, where the mind-numbing boredom of two hours of scoreless football disappeared like Al Sharpton's presidential hopes as both teams cut loose for an exciting round of scoring that happened so fast I couldn't keep track of it. I never trust scoreboards since they're a tool for controlling the masses, but I think the score is now 36-18.5:30 P.M.Ethan: While Amir was watching Queer Eye, I saw BOOBS! Or, more properly, a boob. But it was Janet Jackson's boob, and it will give me plenty of chances to use photoshop to paste it where her left boob should be. I hope Britney is jealous now. She might have had a sham wedding, but JT felt up Janet Jackson NIPPLE AND ALL in front of millions of viewers. Who's crying a river for whom now?Amir: is this for 5:30?Ethan: yeahAmir: okay lemme do thatAmir: BAM! looking to KICK UP YOUR NON SUPERBOWL WATCHING UP A NOTCH!? Would you rather watch one fat Portuguese cook then a bunch of large black NON-cooks?! Wanna be able to prepare charcoal arugula with sea-urchine ceviche? Well, youre not gonna find those answers in a hackneyed halftime show featuring songs I USED TO LIKE! The answer to those questions can be found on COPS! on FX. Failing that, turn to Emeril on FOOD channel.6:00 P.M.Amir: Friends is on! Friends is on! OHHHHHH my gosh i looove phoebe and ross and rachel and chandler and gunther!! Friends is the number one comedy in america and its totally cute and hiliarious and i love joey!Ethan: Another
quarter. My team is in this game, and my interest is starting to wane. So, in lieu of an update, here's what I've learned from Bud Light commercials: 1) Women are NOT LIKE men and like to nag! 2) It hurts when a dog bites you in the nuts! A lot! 3) Cedric the Entertainer does indeed have a price at which he'll sell out.6:30 P.M.Ethan: The fourth quarter is winding down as Adam Vinatieri hits the game-winning field goal with four seconds left. The Pats win. Coach Bill Bellichek's facial expression remains unchanged. Maybe if Geico helped him save a lot of money on his car insurance, he'd be happy.Amir: Ebert and Roeper. These two film critics will make you forget ole "whats his dead thin face" guy. Once again, a game winning field goal over on "CBS." I'll watch it on ESPN Classic tomorrow thank you very much. For now, I would like to know what Roeper thinks of the Triplets of Belville. I bet he agrees with me that it was animated. Yawn time for goldfish crackers and the good book.A few things. First, a shout-out to our sponsor BeerShot who has a tight drinking game you can check out here or pick up at either Urban Outfitters or Spencer Gifts. Also, Steve has a new Observational Humor column out today called Imagine All The People. Also, Aaron has a new Ruminations called Job Insecurity that you can check out here. Now rock some hotlinks.