Well, its about that time of year where the excitement of the holidays are gone: you've broken every single one of your New Years Resolutions (except Ryan's resolution not to vote), you've gotten bored of your christmas shit, and the temptation to commit suicide has probably subdued. Now you've got to find something else to fill that hapless void called life.
My suggestion is that you become a stand up comedian. Despite all of Comedy Central's commercials, its just about the easiest thing that you could ever do. If you can stand up, you can be a stand up comedian, and if you can't, well then that wacky irony can be your entire god damn act. Observe:
Step 1: If you are anything that is not an average white american male, make that your entire act. Trust me, white americans are mystified and curious about anything that isn't them, and they just love getting told how much they suck. A simple and effective routine is to compare how normal people do something, and how your people do something: "You see, when white men give a tip, they put money on the table. But when us Eskimos leave a tip, we put a POLAR BEAR PELT on the table! ZING! But seriously " or "Have you ever noticed that men don't ask for directions? I mean, what's with that! Wacky!"
Step 2: Put yourself in situations where you can make wacky observations about your surroundings. This basically is any public place. An easy one to start with is an airplane. Oh man! The food is yucky! Oh man! You can't recline all the way! Oh wow! The in-flight movie is called, "The People who Crashed in a Plane While Watching an In-Flight Movie." Zing! Or try to make witty observations about places. "Why do they call it a Post Office? You don't post anything there! They should call it a WAITING IN LINE OFFICE! HA HA HA HA!" There are a lot of things that make sense in the world, but if you pretend they don't, people are going to laugh anyway.
Step 3: I know what your thinking now, oh shit! I'm gonna need like 10 jokes to be a successful comedian! FALSE. You only really need about 2 or 3 jokes, and then all you is exaggerate the shit out of them. And I use the term "joke" very loosely. You can just say "did you ever notice that" and then you can say anything and people will think its hilarious. It doesn't matter if it is completely obvious or makes no god damn sense at all, people WILL laugh. "Did you ever notice that when you start a car it makes some kind of noise like an old man??!? Vroooom Vroooom! Chugga Chugga! Whomp Whomp WHOoooooooooooOOOOOOoooooooomp! Zip Zap! FRUMMA BUMMA SHIT WAGHON SUPREME ZAPPO McDELUX!" See, its fucking hilarious. You probably didn't notice that at the end, the sound effects made no sense. Nor will your audience.
Step 4: Sex. "Did you ever notice when the penis goes in to the vagina? What's with that??!?!? ZING!"
Step 5: OK, your almost done, now you just have to make sure you finish your last joke by mentioning one of your older jokes, I'm pretty sure that's a rule. As you get good you will learn how to develop a shtick, or niche in the comedy world. Like how Adam Sandler doesn't be funny, he just yells all the time. Or how Gallagher cleverly shows us how when you think too hard about things, they are almost .01% funnier than before. Or how 90% of black comedians just say something like "DAYUM!" Then of course there is Louie Anderson, who is funny because he's so god damned ugly.
Matt has a new issue of "Ah, College" called "Is it nippy in here?" and Steve has a new issue of Observational Humor called Lost Wages, Nevada. Also, it's Valentine's Day soon, so get your girlfriend a gift from our lovely sponsor, Jewlery by Toba. Now rock these hotlinks.