The tattoo has been with mankind for thousands upon thousands of years, It began a happy accident … two cave-people carelessly playing with needles, suddenly found themselves being attacked by a pack of Ancient Land Squid (squititidos verminti). Known for their 'shoot ink first, make greasy squid noises later' mentality, the creatures ensconced the cavernous dwellers in a black goo. Blinded and filled with terror, they flailed their needled hands, repeatedly stabbing each other with the ink-filled spires. The squid, having finished their greasy squid noises and long awkward mating ritual, fled into the mountains where they would later evolve into trees.

Morning came, and nearly all the ink had evaporated from the battered bodies of our fledgling humans. Upon further inspection, they discovered their flesh covered in small butterflies and Japanese characters (sadly, it would take many eons for the language to appear allowing the translation of "Heart" and "Crunchy Panties")! At every puncture, a small blot of permanent discoloration held fast to the skin, and thus, the TATTOO was born!

For those of you who haven't gone through the process yet, let me explain to you what you can expect based on my one-time experience. Tattoo parlors are very loud places, the sound of a Tattoo Pencil is very piercing. Just imagine that one Star Trek movie when the foreign guy gets that worm in his ear, and he's screaming and sweating and all like "Oh no! It's boring into my brain!" Now imagine that same thing happening to Al Sharpton. Then imagine Al Sharpton dressed like a cowboy but riding a comically undersized tricycle while yelling "Ice cream patty!" and twirling a rope made out of licorice! Pretty hilarious, huh??? Now that I've made you imagine all that stuff, imagine a buzzing sound, and that's what it's like.

I think it's some kind of requirement when talking to people who've gotten tattoos, that they tell you how much it hurts, and how you couldn't even understand it because you've never gotten one before, so they're obviously quite tough and you're a pussy bitchpants. Folks, let me tell it to you straight; it ain't all that bad. If you've ever been stung by a bee, think of a million bees all pissed off at you, traveling down a long funnel-like tube and ramming full-speed into a single point on your body, over and over again. If you can handle that, you can handle getting a tattoo, pussy bitchpants.

I've wanted to get a potato since I was about 10. I was into the book series "Sideways Stories from Wayside School," and in particular, one story where
the character Calvin gets a tat for his birthday.

Everyone is pressuring him to get what they want, and he wants to make the choice himself, since it's something that's going to be with him his entire life.
Finally, he decides to get a tattoo of a potato. Everyone hates it, but he likes it. As soon as I read that, I thought it was badass, and I knew if I ever got inked (I am not big into piercing / body alterations) it would be that.

So, I finally did. And of course, brought my video camera with me. So check out the video (click picture below, 11mb). And check out these hotlinks. And if you're trying to figure out when your HS renion is, check out our new sponsor,