Spring semester is a magical time. Although renowned mostly for Spring Break, spring semester also features 100% more visits from the Easter Bunny than the standard fall semester or Jewish holy calendar. It's also a perfect time for romance, be it in the form of back-of-the-classroom handjobs or hardcore snuggling (you know, when she lets you rest your head on her clothed breast!). If you're a confused guy in the market for some spring semester love, just follow these simple tips for impressing your belle:
1) Campus mail her. Everyone loves getting mail at school, and campus mail means that you can send her packages full of goodies like poetry or little shampoos that you've lovingly stolen from some of the nation's finest motor hotels, or "motels." You don't even have to pay for postage. If you're too lazy to do this, campus mail looks just like real mail, so just start taking credit for the mail she already gets by saying things like, "Oh, sweetie, did you like that copy of Cosmo I sent you last month? Yeah, all of those pretty girls and awful sex tips make me think of you."
2) Listen to her. Your girl should be your friend first and your lover second, so listen attentively when she talks. If she goes on at length about her ex-boyfriend being a jerk, don't fly into a jealous rage. Instead, be there for her by listening calmly, excusing yourself, and then hacking him to bits with the rusty machete you hid in the bushes outside your dorm in preparation for this day. Double points if you campus mail her a Spleengram from the scene!
3) Learn her friends' names. They can be strong allies, like the English, or clichéd punchlines for conservative America's jokes, like the French. If you have trouble with this, at least learn your special lady's name and make up nicknames for her friends. If you are one of those people who huffs Lysol or looks forward to Celebrity Mole and don't have enough brain cells left to remember even this much, just call her friends Becky, Kelly, of Jenn; 98% of girls ages 18-25 have one of these three names.
4) Steal from her. This one seems counterintuitive, but it works out like this: When you're at her place, discretely swipe a small but beloved object, like a hat or a purse or a virginity. Surely she'll tell you how much she misses it, at which point you can gallantly spring into action and replace it. If you can pull this one off, you'll look sensitive, generous, and thoughtful, all without spending a dime or doing any actual thinking.
5) Make her a mix cd. Girls love mix cd's the same way they love non-mix cd's, and that way is a lot. Get creative here. Past boyfriends have already made her mixes full of Dave Mathews, and if she's been particularly slutty and gotten with lots of dudes, she's probably got CD-R's of Dashboard Confessional and Jason Mraz, too. Your song selection should express both your individuality and your gentler side as a lover, which is why I usually just make her a copy of Ol' Dirty Bastard's seminal sophomore opus Nigga Please and call it a night. The mix cd is also a good chance to show how hip you are, so put a little indie band like Blink 182 on there. I hear they're going to just blow up in 2k4, and I'm NOT j/k-ing!
6) Respect her. This one is maybe the most important. Show her how sincere you are in your respect for her as both a friend and a woman by making strong statements like, "Despite the overwhelming scientific, not to mention biblical, evidence otherwise, I really feel that women are kind of equal to men in some ways, I guess. Now, can I pee on you a little?" Trust me, sometimes it pays to take a stand, just ask Abraham Lincoln, who showed the importance of standing up for what's right when he kicked the shit out of some schoolchildren who mockingly called him "Gay-braham."
7) Make her notice you. In the early stages, it's important to get your name in her head as much as you can. Mark Wahlberg made carving her name into your arm a bit passé, but carving her name into someone else's arm is still an untapped gold mine, except instead of gold the mine is full of love and devotion. Also, if you sneak into her bathroom while she's in the shower and write your name -n- her name inside a heart in the steam on her mirror, she'll associate your name with being clean and happy, which can hardly be a bad thing.
Matt has two new issues of "Ah, College" so give those a look. And don't forget to send in pictures from basketball games this upcoming semester of you and your friends with Big Shockers. Now, Hotlinks.