The world as we know it today consists of three different types of people: People who wear those yellow Lance Armstrong LIVE STRONG bracelets, people who used to wear those yellow Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG bracelets, and people who support cancer.
However, there is a grave problem in the world of support bracelets, and I realize there is no easy way to say it: We are running dangerously low on colors.
No longer are we in the days where a non profit organization can choose any color from the crayola box of 64 crayons and run with it.
Pink is now for breast cancer, camaflouge is for our troops in Iraq.
But it doesn't stop there. Burnt Siena is there to show support for the rain forest, turqoise blue is taken by skydiving enthusiasts, and of course beige is for oatmeal lovers. But what now!?
What Lance Armstrong didn't realize when he thought up this hair- brain scheme was that problems in this world far outweigh the amount of colors. When asked recently what Mr. Armstrong thought of that notion he said "If I realized that before I made my first bracelet I wouldn't have even decided to pursue this endeavor." When the reporter then informed Lance that it these bracelets have earned his foundation millions of dollars, Lance replied with a blunt: "I don't give a shit."
Scientists believe that by 2006 there will only be 3 colors left for organizations to choose from, and they're pretty sure grey will be one of them. But then what?
Some support bracelet enthusiasts subscribe to the overlap theory: two or more organizations using the same color to support their needs. To them I say, "Yeah, why don't we also overlap phone numbers and finger prints while we're at it. You know, so nothing is unique and sacred!" And they'll go "Yeah yeah, okay, you're right. What else can we do though!?"
There is some talk of combining colors, so bracelets alternate between yellow and green, or black and blue. That's just another example of a short term problem to a long term solution. If you figure there are 1,000 colors, that means there are about 10 billion combinations. But after THOSE run out, then what are you gonna do?
Sure we can "cross that bridge when we come to it" but isn't that what got us into this predicament anyway!?
So, at last, here is my suggestion: THREE COLORS PER BRACELET. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in, because it's not that often that people hear a suggestion so "outside the box." Three colors per bracelet. Yellow, green, orange. Or perhaps Green, orange, purple. Or Yellow, orange, green, or whatever. Listen, the colors don't matter, what DOES matter is that the idea is fool-proof and ultimately the only salvation we have in a world that is moving hopelessly towards the end of an otherwise natural resource.
This has been Amir Blumenfeld, Collegehumor scientist, signing off.
Note: Join me next week in an article I've already titled "Gasoline: That shit is gonna run out too."
Steve and Streeter have new columns out, so give those a look. And don't ignore these hotlinks. Much like girls and plants, they need attention.