I used to think it was simple. I see attractive man, I flirt with attractive man, attractive man flirts back, and attractive man and Mindy engage in intimate activities.
I was wrong.
Recently I fell for a man who played into that simple scheme. About a month had gone by since Kevin had spent that drunken night at my apartment and things were slowly moving along. He was not very aggressive, but, at the same time, he did not act disinterested. We displayed affections publicly (flirting, handholding, a kiss in a taxi-cab, etc.), but nothing monumental occurred. I thought, "Finally! A nice guy who wants to take things slow." Then I spent the night at this apartment, and we slept together. Literally. He fell asleep. Untouched, and more than enough inches away from him, I thought, "Okay, he's either very drunk, or I am the most undesirable person alive." Trust me, the latter is an unacceptable answer, and that is why I continued with my pursuit. One day he seemed really interested, and another not at all. Although his fickle behavior was frustrating, the positive seemed to outweigh the negative, and I was really looking forward to the future of our relationship slowly unfolding. This was my state of mind as we walked along the quiet New York streets on a perfect spring evening. . .
We sat on a bench somewhere between Times Square and the Upper West Side. It was a semi-romantic spot: the perfect place for an arm around my back or perhaps a kiss. He leaned towards me, his hand on my knee, and smiled. I looked into his eyes and smiled back. You could cut the sexual tension with a plastic knife. He then uttered the words that would change our destiny forever: "I'm Gay." I laughed and pointed to my breasts exclaiming, "Oh yeah, well then these are fake!" I realized as he stared at my breasts in amazement, wondering how fake ones could hang so low, that one of us was telling the truth. The rest of the conversation was a blur. His mouth was moving, yet my mind was screaming, "Gay?" "What?" "GAY?!" How could this have happened? He did not participate in musical theater, he did not dress better than me, he did not seem to care about his hair, we did not engage in long conversations about our feelings and the right color scheme for my bedroom, he was not a dancer, a hairdresser, a mannequin dresser, or a cross dresser, and most importantlyputting aside these stereotypeshe acted like he was attracted to me! Yet, he was pretending. He played a heterosexual role in public, and I was just his prop. I was used, I was duped, I was hoodwinked (I love the word hoodwinked, and I am so happy to finally use it in my writing) in the worst possible way. I no longer think that the "Cocky, Drunk, Aggressive, Straight Male" is the devil. There is a new villain among us: "The Closeted, Confused, Experimental, Gay Male." He is evilsomewhat unintentionally, yet still inexcusableand he must be destroyed.
Actually, I'm not a violent person, and I don't really wish to destroy anyone. As I sit on my couch consuming spoonfuls of raw cookie dough and organizing my thoughts, I realize that I must not let my pain exist in evil chaos. I must channel my disappointment, conjure up my feelings of humiliation, and use my anger for good. Therefore, in the name of peace, love, and understanding, I will use my words to help my fellow females.
Ladies, these are the staple questions you should always be asking:
"What is your religious background?"
"Where did you go to school?"
"Do you think our body weight combined could inhabit a blow-up hammock?"
"What are the last four digits of your social security number?
"Mother's maiden name?"
"If you could be any non-flying insect, what would you be?"
However, these questions will not lead to full sexual preference enlightenment. Therefore, I have come up with 5 simple steps to get the job done, as well as some new questions to ask your potential mate.
1. All prospects should answer and sign the following affidavit immediately.
I like to have sex with:
c) Either women or men.
d) Women and men simultaneously.
e) Animals and inanimate objects.
Now you know what floats his boat and you can proceed as you see fit.
2. Follow up on his response. Let us say he circles a) Women. Should you trust him? Yes. Would I? No. I recommend that you demand to see at least 3-4 recent videos of him enjoying intimate moments with a woman, as well as conducting interviews with the women in said videos.
3. Slightly open your heart and proceed with the relationship for exactly 2 months.
4. Have him answer this follow-up questionnaire.
If you could change one thing about me you would:
a) Make me eat red meat.
b) Make my boobs a little bigger.
c) Nothing. I'm perfect.
d) Give me a penis.
When I'm pleasuring you you're thinking:
a) Man, this is fun.
b) What should I have for breakfast?
c) I'm the man baby. I'm the big, bad, man.
d) My boyfriend does this a lot better.
5) Review his responses and use your best judgment.
I've finished the entire tube of cookie dough, and I'm back on the prowl. I will have a hard time being aggressive, opening up, and trusting men, and therefore I look forward to my romantic future. And, although my relationship with Kevin did not work out the way I planned, it's wonderful that he is beginning to accept his identity and I am satisfied to take part in that journey. That's a lie. He's not begining to accept his identity, there's no journey, and I am only satisfied because, in the last two hours, I've consumed one tube of cookie dough, one Krispy Kreme, one slice of pecan pie, one bowl of chicken friend rice, another Krispy Kreme, and three frozen mini pizzas. Well, at least this ordeal has not altered my appetite.