This is not a narcissistic babbling about my gorgeous, perfect, succulent breasts. This is not a complaint about my non-existent love life. This is not a detailed story about homosexual men acting as frauds and toying with my emotions. This is an article in response to my readers. I have received loads of e-mails about my articles, and I am thankful for your positive words. (Gotnoclotheson@aol.com: if you're reading this, please stop sending me those pictures. And no, I cannot think of a word that rhymes with vagina, but good luck to you). Although I love receiving e-mails and I am more than happy to respond, please note that this is not an advice column and I will not be responding to e-mails in my articles every week. And now, take out the Krispy Kremes from the refrigerator, let the voices in your head know that they are among friends, and enjoy!

Dear Mindy,
I recently read your article, "Into my Bed and Out of the Closet: Duped Again" and I think my boyfriend is gay. He is really fashion conscious. He also is really good-looking and really polite. One time we went to a Broadway show and afterwards he said, "I really liked the show!" I'm so confused. I need your help. Should I be worried?
Sincerely,
Bethany X

Dear Bethany,
I have never met your boyfriend, and the stereotypical facts that you have relayed to me do not allow me to draw a conclusion about his sexuality. Did he sit you down on a bench and say, "Bethany, I'm Gay?" When you role-play, does he always make you be Clark Kent? Did you follow the steps I laid out in my past article? Unless you have evidence of his homosexuality, you should trust your boyfriend and his taste in Broadway shows.
Love,
Mindy

Dear Mindy,
You're really funny! You probably have great conversations with guys on dates "
Best regards,
Sandy X

Dear Sandy,
Ha! After reading your e-mail, I decided to document some conversations from my most recent dates.
Love,
Mindy

Date 1
Mindy: So, you're from Cleveland?
(long pause)
Date 1: Yup.
(long pause)
Mindy: I was in Cleveland once.
(long pause)
Date 1: Cool.
Mindy: I'm originally from Michigan.
Date 1: Oh.
(long pause)
Mindy: So . . . you know . . .yay Midwest! (long, long pause) How's your burger?
Date 1: Ketchup.
Mindy: Excuse me?
Date 1: Need the ketchup.
Mindy: Oh. (passes the ketchup) So, do you like living in New York?
Date 1: Yup.
Mindy: Do you . . .like . . .working in money marketing?
Date 1: Yup.
Mindy: You must only go out on weekends because I'm sure you have really early mornings.
Date 1: Yup.
(long pause)
Mindy: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Date 1: Yup.
Mindy: What are your views on religion and politics?
Date 1: Yup.
Mindy: Do you know what happens when subjects and predicates come together?
Date 1: Yup.
Mindy: Want to try some of my salad?
Date 1: Arugula makes me gassy.
Mindy: Check please!

Ready for Date 2

Date 2
Mindy: This place is really cool. I hardly ever eat down in Tribeca?
Date 2: Do you think that all human beings will be absolved for their sins, or just those who let the Lord into their lives?
Mindy: Check please!

Date 3
Mindy: Wow, that's a really cool tattoo!
Date 3: Thanks! It hurt like a bitch.
Mindy: Wow. Like a bitch? Wow.
Date 3: These two (points to upper arms) didn't hurt that much cause they're smaller and not as detailed.


On the road of sex with Mindy!

But this one (points to back of his neck) hurt like a mother f&%^*$!
Mindy: I don't have any tattoos.
Date 3: Why not?
Mindy: I don't know. I don't think they really suit me.
Date 3: Oh.
Mindy: But maybe one day-
Date 3: Great! Another stupid, conservative, judgmental, p#$$y!
Mindy: Check please!

Date 4
Date 4: I think that the drummer is the most important part of the band.
Mindy: Yeah, I agree I mean-
Date 4: I'm not just saying that cause I'm a drummer and I think I'm important. I'm saying it cause it's true. I'm the foundation. I'm the heartbeat.
Mindy: My friend is a drummer and he-
Date 4: I'm the glue that holds this baby together. It's hard cause I don't want to be important. I don't want that responsibility. But I am important, and so I have to be a leader.
Mindy: Well, I find that when I'm on stage doing comedy-
Date 4: It's like when I was younger and my parents made me watch my little brother. I was in charge baby! It's all about me. My life is all about me. I have to do. I'm a doer. You know? I'm a doer.
Mindy: I think I'll have another beer.
Date 4: You're really different than the last chick I went out with. You're a lot more talkative.
Mindy: I'm a cheap date when I get really drunk.
Date 4: I think when people talk a lot it means they're really insecure, like, they think they need to talk all the time to make up for the fact that they're gay or something or that they, like, have a really small penis-
Mindy: Check please!

Dear Mindy,
It seems like you know a lot about dating and relationships. Do you have any advice that you think would be helpful? Do you have past relationships that you've really learned from? Have you learned anything from your past relationships or have they all been so horrible?
Kelly X

Dear Kelly,
Here are some important things that I have learned from past relationships.
Love,
Mindy

1. Jewelry gets caught in hairy backs.

2. You should always ask or warn a man before you attempt to procreate with him.

3. When your man gets up to use the bathroom, don't shout out "Work it, baby! Work it! Shake that hard, hot ass that I've gotten to know so well," while out to dinner with his parents.

4. Do not point and laugh at him after he has removed his clothes.

5. Do not point and laugh at him after he has attempted to pleasure you.

6. Do not point and laugh at him when you run into him on 55th street the next day.

7. Shaving your armpits does not count as an acceptable anniversary gift.

8. Do not inform him that you own a battery-operated "friend" on your first date.

9. Do not take your battery-operated "friend" out of your purse when he asks about past relationships.

AND

10. When he asks if you have any pets, do not remove a tampon from your purse and say, "This is Sheila!"

Although I could not respond to each inquiry in detail, I have included some quick answers to the various questions I have received: brown; Gemini; double D; cats; thong; red; sorry, I'm allergic; twenty-three. I encourage all of you to contact me with any comments or questions in the near future.

Food Consumption Update:
Today I found a coupon for Domino's Pizza (thirteen dollars for one medium, two topping pizza, a side of Cinna Stix, and two 20 oz. Cokes). I thought this would be a great way to purchase two nights of dinner at once. I am feeling very bloated, yet proud that the only thing left in my refrigerator is a 20 oz. Coke and a lone Cinna Stix.

Love/Lust/Companionship Update:
I gave out my number to a total stranger last weekend during one of my comedy shows. He is gay, but he wants to set me up with his straight brother who is a police officer! I hope that I will be able to title my next article: "Handcuffs and Guns: Playing with the Law."